Meet someone important at an event? Here are 5 ways to kill that connection:
- Pass the name to an underling. Nothing says, “I’m better than you” like having someone who’s not yourself follow up.
- Ask, “How can I help you?” This question is quite en vogue these days. Liz Strauss will tell you, it’s a bad question, and she’s right. The question makes me do all the work of figuring our relationship out—and things that create more work for me are not helpful. Instead, ask about my plans and then tell me how you think you can help.
- “Hi! Great to meet you! Can you introduce me to…?” I’ve heard this before: two seconds into a conversation, and already, someone wants me to make an introduction for them, before I know who they are, how good they are, what they do, what they want… it brings to mind that Kanye song: “I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…”
- “I got your name from Denise… Denise who? Um…” Lies make a wonderful foundation for a fractured relationship.
- I read your profile on LinkedIn and then Googled you. Found some interesting stuff… did you really not break 3 hours when you ran the Chicago Triathlon? From the looks of you, I figured you’d be faster.” It’s true: telling someone that you’ve researched them online, and then mentioning an esoteric piece of information about them in a judgmental way is creepy.
Turning connections into relationships as adults is no different than making friends as a child. Seriously. Childhood was practice for adulthood.
So if you ever made a friend as a kid—even if you only made one—that’s your method. Keep doing that. If you want different types of friends as an adult, then rather than trying too hard and getting all awkward, do this:
- Watch how others do it. One thing you’ll probably notice is that people who are good at making friends seem to have more confidence than you.
- Give yourself a hug. Confidence comes from being comfortable with who you are. Whoever you are, own it! That’s what fail spectacularly is all about; for me, I’ve always been under pressure to excel… but what if I don’t? Well, then I’ll own the failure—and I’ll fail spectacularly.
- Develop a script. Make a list of things you’re interested in. Make another list of stories that have happened to you. (If you can’t think of any, don’t worry. This week, you will—and when you do, write them down!) Memorize both lists; when meeting people, draw from the stories, and steer conversations to topics where you have something to add.
- Practice. Don’t expect to get there in a day. Give yourself time to improve!
Jason Seiden is CEO of Ajax Workforce Marketing. Ajax amplifies brands by aligning employees' online messaging.
I'm Jason. I run a brand agency with a specialization in workforce marketing.
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That last part about practice is 100% right on. Try not to give up too soon. Nobody said anything worthwhile is easy and it’s rather a shame for you to say you failed when in fact you didn’t try. Failing spectacularly, on the other hand, means you tried … probably too much!
About confidence — you and I know the difference between confidence and arrogance, and sometimes there’s a fine line separating the two. Anyone who has doubts, observe Jason; he has confidence not arrogance because although he takes his work seriously he doesn’t take himself seriously. Humor is a sure sign of confidence and effectiveness especially when things get tough.
Thomas
Great ideas, Jason.
Re #3 on your solutions list: One simple solution there is to read/watch the news (a newspaper, or its electronic equivalent) every day, to get a sense of important current events and pop culture. (Google News works for this.)
One of my friends is in academia and deals with a large cross-section of people every day. He’s also often in front of a room full of people (not to mention apathetic students). His trick is, as he says, to have “three minutes of conversation on any subject.”
It makes for a pretty organic, low-key “in” to jump into a conversation (to make a comment or ask a question).
I get the “How can I help?” a lot and it does put you on the spot. But then again, I find myself saying it too. People mean well when they say it but I do agree, asking about someone’s plans and offering suggestions would be more meaningful.
Love this post! Live networking takes on the same rules as social networking. Be authentic, strive for true conversation, be real, be yourself. Funny how people are spending so much time in the online world trying to be authentic and failing to do it in the live world. That will take you much further with me in a networking senario than creepy guy or self-inflated guy.
here is the real deal…..you will not land a job after one networking session. That bears repeating…you will NOT land a job after one networking session. No matter how good your conversation is. What you will do is become “top of mind” with the person you are speaking with. The networking is the catalyst or portal to giving you a fighting chance for further interviews.
@Thomas—Failing without trying is definitely NOT spectacular!
@Patrick—great tip… to take it one step further: ask a question about the news that goes beyond the obvious. e.g., rather than say, “can you believe what’s happening in the gulf?!” say, “I wonder, if I lived there as a fisherman, if I’d have the courage to make a fresh start.” Those next level observations make for far richer conversations!
@HRMinion—I’m probably being a little harsh on “How can I help?” It’s certainly far from the worst thing you can say! The idea is to take the concept and execute it in a way that makes it as easy as possible for others. It’s really an issue of maximizing the impact, as opposed to changing the approach.
@Dawn—In case someone missed it from your comment: “You will not land a job after one networking session.” Marketers will tell you: it takes 7 touches before you can move someone from awareness to action.
How should one approach another during a networking event especially if that person is reserved. What tips does anyone have in networking? Is there a difference between networkng online or in person?
@Karmela—You may appreciate this video about networking for introverts: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2cbJAo0jhQ It includes several practical tips and even book recommendations.
How to approach someone else who’s reserved? Interesting question. I think I’ll do a video post just on that. Watch for it next Wednesday.
In terms of online vs. offline, same principles, different manifestation.