Ask the question!

Three times in the past three weeks, I spent time with people who are very good at their jobs as individuals, but who didn’t operate well as a team. In each case, the issue was that no one asked any questions. Instead, team members would say things like:

“Let me try to explain this to you…”
“Oh, that’s because…”
“Yes, but…”
“No, see, you’ve overlooked something…”
“I’ve already done that…”

Guess what: I don’t need you to explain it to me again. If I didn’t get it the first time, I probably won’t get it the second time, either, regardless of what decibel you use to inflict your explanation on me. I certainly don’t want you to explain it again.

Guess what else: I understand the drivers behind what you did. I don’t care! I don’t doubt that your intentions were good… our problem isn’t with what you tried to do—as noble as the image in your head may have been—it’s with your execution.

Wait, guess what else else: don’t “yes, but…” me. The “but” negates the yes and highlights the fact that you are are trying to pander to me. Telling me I’ve overlooked something implies that you haven’t overlooked anything… and if we disagree, chances are, I think you’re the one who missed something. I’m not very likely, in the heat of the moment, to disagree with myself, so stop pretending like you are so magic that you can make me choose to agree with you over myself, who I know much better and like much better, thank you very much.

So how do you get out of the vicious cycle you’re in with your team? Maybe you saw this coming from the title of the post, but start by ASKING QUESTIONS. From today forward, you are an eternal Jeopardy! contestant: everything you say should be in the form of a question. Second, always paint yourself as the one who needs help. And third, CARE. You can’t fake this stuff: a question wrapped in an air of disdain is just as bad as a statement. No, it’s worse, because it leaves you with the illusion that you actually tried, when you didn’t, you just made it so you could pretend like someone else wasn’t listening when the problem was actually your attitude. Way to make things harder.

Good questions to replace the above statements include:

“OK, obviously I did a poor job explaining this. Replay back to me what you heard and I’ll see where I need to fill in the blanks to cover what I missed the first time.”
“I need to think about that… I was trying to have a particular impact, but from your reaction it’s clear that I missed my goal… what impact did I have?”
“Yes, AND…” (feel free to disagree at this point, as in, “Yes, I do like waffles, and you know what breakfast food I really love? Pancakes. I love pancakes so much that given the choice between pancakes and waffles, I always choose pancakes. Always.” Or, “Yes, bribing our vendor could probably lower our costs, and, since it’s illegal, it probably comes with that added thrill of doing something dangerous, you know? I wonder who we go to for approval for something like that.” Or, “Yes, I love meetings, and I especially love when they finish early.” Or don’t disagree: “Yes, that sounds interesting, and I’d like to hear more. I have a few questions that jump to mind.”)
“Interesting… have you considered…?”
“How would that suggestion differ from the program I ran with ___ last year?”

Ah, I can feel everyone getting along better already.

Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.