Three times in the past three weeks, I spent time with people who are very good at their jobs as individuals, but who didn’t operate well as a team. In each case, the issue was that no one asked any questions. Instead, team members would say things like:
“Let me try to explain this to you…”
“Oh, that’s because…”
“Yes, but…”
“No, see, you’ve overlooked something…”
“I’ve already done that…”
Guess what: I don’t need you to explain it to me again; if I didn’t get it the first time, I probably won’t get it the second time, either, regardless of what decibel you use to inflict your explanation on me. I certainly don’t want you to explain it again.
Guess what else: I understand the drivers behind what you did. I don’t care! I don’t doubt that your intentions were good… our problem isn’t with what you tried to do—as noble as the image in your head may have been—it’s with your execution.
Wait, guess what else else: don’t “yes, but…” me. The but negates the yes and highlights the fact that you are are trying to pander to me. Telling me I’ve overlooked something implies that you haven’t overlooked anything… and if we disagree, chances are, I think you’re the one who missed something. I’m not very likely, in the heat of the moment, to disagree with myself. Finally, you haven’t already done what I’m suggesting, because what I’m suggesting works, and what you did clearly didn’t. Maybe the idea was different, maybe you executed poorly… I don’t know. I only know that what you’ve done is irrelevant to me, because I have no way to assess if what you did was really what I’m suggesting you do.
So how do you get out of the vicious cycle you’re in with your team? First, ASK QUESTIONS. From today forward, you are an eternal Jeopardy! contestant: everything you say should be in the form of a question. Second, always paint yourself as the one who needs help. And third, CARE. You can’t fake this stuff: a question wrapped in an air of disdain is just as bad as a statement. Good questions to replace the above statements include:
“OK, obviously I did a poor job explaining this. Replay back to me what you heard and I’ll see where I need to fill in the blanks to cover what I missed the first time.”
“I need to think about that… I was trying to have a particular impact… what impact did I have?”
“Yes, AND…”
“Interesting… have you considered…?”
“How would that suggestion differ from the program I ran with ___ last year?”
Ah, I can feel everyone getting along better already.
