Peon_in_chief asked this question under my post about communicating with emotional impact.

The exact question is, “I understand not being overly emotional or direct with a co-worker or boss is best, but what if you really need to get something across to them, or you need a definite win? Sometimes being tough can get you the end result as opposed to really getting agressive to make your point. If you’re nice and tactful about it and your boss doesn’t take you seriously and you fail, your boss could always go back to you and say ‘you know, you really didn’t seem that upset by me not backing you on that issue.’ It’s like a lose-lose situation.”

Fantastic question. And now, a fantastic answer.

A: Peon,

Great point. Let’s break it down 3 ways.

One way to slice this is to recognize three ways to attack a situation like this: with power, rights, or interests. The emotional impact approach is a set up for an interest-based conversation, which takes time and has its risks… chief among them being that interest-based conversations tend to be played in the near-term at the lowest common denominator. This is a fancy way of saying that until you “train” the other side that you’re really about meeting mutual interests—and by interests, I mean “what people need” as opposed to “what people say they need”—you’re going to run into walls like you describe above. The only antidote for this is to start building relationships with people when there is no issue to discuss. (See my post on likability.)

But what if you didn’t do that, and now here you are, in a must win situation?

1. Power. You could go straight at the person. There are a number of forms of power, though if you’re a subordinate, formal power ain’t one of them. This means that you’re going to need to know your stuff to an extremely convincing degree, or threaten to go over the person’s head. And now hang on a sec… making an overt threat like that is only going to get you kicked in the proverbial groin, so don’t go thinking that I just advocated threatening your boss. I don’t. In this case, I’m talking about something far more subtle… like suggesting that the decision get opened up to a broader group… or talking to a peer in a different area and then mentioning as much to your boss. Both of these avenues use transparent communications to let your boss know that s/he may hear about it from other sources and therefore should “be prepared.“ Another form of power is entirely interpersonal and it goes like this: if your boss doesn’t like conflict, challenge him. If she does like to fight, stand your ground and earn your say. If she doesn’t like decisions, pre-sell your idea to a group and then go back and tell her that the team is unanimously behind it… and so on. This approach takes some huevos… but no one promised winning was nice.
2. Rights. ”The contract says.“ ”This is what’s fair.“ And so on. Using rights to force someone to see your point of view means focusing them on some objective standard. And after 19 years in various work environments, including several summers in a law office, and after 35 years of life, I can tell you: rights doesn’t work. People are not rational. Facts are meaningless until interpreted, and all interpretations are subject to the errors, omissions, quirks, and prejudices of the human mind.

Another way to slice this is purely at the interpersonal level: how can you get your point across most effectively? You have five options in this model:

1. Fight. Not with fists, but with directness and persistence. As in, ”Look, Boss, with all due respect, I’m not leaving this office until I’m convinced you fully understand me, because when you do, I think you’ll have a different course of action.“
2. Accommodate. This is what you’re currently doing. It won’t get you a win. Grow a spine.
3. Compromise. Splitting the baby is the ultimate in meh.
4. Explore. Another way of talking about looking for mutual interests. Works, but takes time and requires a relationship because you need to share information that could make you vulnerable along the way.
5. Stall. Postpone the decision by saying something like, ”Hmm… I’m thinking… that I should run a different slice of the data. Let’s regroup later today.“ Repeat as necessary until you’re feeling the flow and think you can sway the final decision.

And finally, there’s this perspective: don’t worry about it. You’re not paid to make the decision, your boss is. Let him/her make it. And if s/he screws it up, say, ”Don’t even think about blaming me for this. I sat here and told you exactly what was going to happen. So whuddya say you and I work on a communication plan that ensures you do hear the important stuff next time?“

Good luck!

Posted under Q&A, Coaching & Consulting, Self-Development

A: Ha! Trick title. People who don’t like you don’t work with you. They tolerate you.

Out of a lack of options.

Until a better option comes along.

In fact, the only thing that keeps them engaged with you is the fact that—while unlikable—you’re at least predictable, and they’ve figured out how to get what they need from the relationship… more or less. Eventually, they’ll give you the boot. And the more self-confident they are, the sooner that boot will come.

You know why?

Because they don’t like you, Silly!

Beware: the context in which you work affects how your unlikability will impact you:

If you are an unliked manager…
You actually may be OK, as long as your abilities are respected and the results are there. In a role of formal power, we need to distinguish between personal like, which is almost irrelevant in this case, and professional like—a.k.a. respect—which leads to loyalty, peace of mind, and, ironically, personal like. We must also distinguish respect from fear, as the two are often confused at a practical level. Fear occurs when respect for your power outlives respect for your ability to wield it responsibly, and it is unhealthy on many levels: it closes off lines of communication, it sends your best people looking for new jobs elsewhere, causes people to start “going through the motions” at work (you know how some people just won’t invest personally, won’t quit, and won’t say anything about what they need or want?).

There’s a colorful term for how people treat a boss of whom they’re afraid, which is NSFW (not safe for work). It’s a compound slang word. The first half is “grin.” Let’s just say the second part rhymes with “ducking.” Rest assured, this technique creates miscommunications galore for a boss.

If you are an unliked subordinate…
Your options are limited. You may be the world’s greatest at your job, but that’s all you’ll ever be, because once you hit the management ranks and find yourself in need of relationships with clients, peers, subs, bosses, and vendors for advancement, you’ll find yourself with nothing.

And if you’re an unliked salesperson…
You’re toast.

So how do you know if you’re liked? It really doesn’t matter what people say, and it really doesn’t matter what you think. The only thing that matters is how people act, especially in that split second after you’ve said something, before the controlled, practiced, purposeful reaction takes over. Watch for that slight hesitation before a smile, a smile that you could swear starts off like a sneer, or fidgeting of any kind that doesn’t precede interactions with others. (You’re not dumb. You know when someone doesn’t like you. You’ve known how to pick up that vibe since junior high. Trust yourself. If you need help, read Paul Ekman’s research on micro-expressions.)

Here’s a three question likability quiz:

• Do I take genuine interest in others, or are people a means to achieving personal goals?
• Do I enjoy helping others, or are they lucky enough to know me?
• Do you live in a good world, or a brutish world in which it’s kill or be killed?

How do you get liked? Work on your world view (until you find you take a genuine interest in the people around you, enjoy helping them, and see the world as filled with more good than bad… I’ll even cut you some slack, and say you really only need to be deep in two or maybe even just one of these areas). Regardless of how smooth you think you are, the way you see the world will reflect outward. Like you, people aren’t stupid. They may not call you out on bad behavior, they may excuse it for you, they may lack the self-confidence to stand up to it, or they may not care about it, but they see it.

And eventually, they’ll have seen enough.

Posted under Q&A, Coaching & Consulting, Team Dynamics

Managers: funny, isn’t it, how the times when you feel like you need training the most are the very times when you feel you can afford it the least?

Wouldn’t you love to know the Key Success Factors (KSFs) to track to help you reduce training expense without impacting effectiveness? I hope so, because that’s what I’ve written about today!

If you are in management, you’ll want to forward this post to your head of HR. In today’s economy, competitive companies must get development right… when financial capital is tight, human capital has got to be on.

KSF 1: Getting the Method Right by Communicating “Commercial-Style”

Many of my clients have heard me talk about communicating “commercial-style,” where I have them break a complex message into bite-sized nuggets and deliver those nuggets, one at a time, over the course of multiple interactions. Ideally, messages are entertaining, too… not because it’s important to be funny, but because people have an easier time remembering a message if they’re feeling relaxed while they are concentrating on it. This is opposed to trying to get all your points across all at once, and the method is modeled after those TV ads that have mastered the concept.

(Think about McDonald’s: when they show an ad about Chicken Tenders, they don’t worry that they’re not also telling you about Big Macs, late night hours, free coffee Mondays, and what have you. Unlike you, who worries that if you don’t get everything off your chest Right Now! then you will never have another chance to make your case, McDonald’s knows it will see you again, so it delivers a series of incomplete messages that, when strung together, tell a full story. Newsflash: b-school marketing classes teach the McDonald’s methodology, not yours. Know why? Because theirs works.)

Applied to Training & Development

Training & Development is not immune. Anyone who has built an Individualized Development Plan with me knows that I favor simple, doable plans that spread development out over time to overwhelming checklists that try to hit you with everything all at once.

The human brain can only absorb so much!

Yet most training programs still try to jam as much as possible into a day. Designers are afraid that if they don’t fill the hours and show a long list of “objectives”, that they’re not delivering value. The result are programs that jam more information in a day than a person can possibly retain, and while everyone walks out feeling like they got their money’s worth, the positive impact on results soon evaporates.

Could you imagine McDonald’s buying a 3-hour block of time and trying to tell you everything you need to know about McD at once? It doesn’t matter what “learning modalities” they accommodate, it’s simply too much information!

KSF 2: Getting the Message Right (It’s Not About the Content)

Why do people go to training classes?

Aside from “Because someone said they have to go?”

Hint: It’s not to learn the content of the course.

Got it yet?

People go to training because they want a better future. They’re buying the ability to chase a dream. The skills they learn are simply a vehicle for doing so!

Trainers who focus on learning modalities and other tools to refine the content of their programs ignore the primary reason why people are there… and their programs often fail as a result. The content could be perfect, sweet, and to the point, and it would still miss the mark.

If training, coaching, or other development content is going to get into someone’s head and stay there, then the message has to make an emotional connection with the participant. On TV, this emotional component is often, though not always, handled through entertainment. In business, it is often better handled through motivation.

But whatever it’s form, it must be present for learning and development activities to be effective.

KSF 3: Getting the Channel Right: Using Technology to Be Where the People Are

The third thing you need to do is use the right communication channels. This one’s simple: go to where your people are. Why pull them away from their desks time and again for training when much of that content can be delivered to their desktop… or better, to their cell phone, so they can take it with them?!

Take your developmental content that focuses on transferable skills: package it in a commercial with emotional appeal, shrink it down to its core essence so that you don’t waste a minute of time, and now deliver it through online video that can be downloaded via iTunes to someone’s phone or iPod.

Now, my focus is on managing and developing the next generation… you want to tell me that you think sticking people in a room together and lecturing them for days on end is going to yield better results than a series of compelling video commercials that can be viewed during an elevator ride?

What an Emotionally Connected, Development Commercial Looks Like: Handling Rejection

Enough description. What does this look like in practice? Below is the first “commercial” in a series on how to handle rejection. After you watch it, track how long it sticks in your head and gets you thinking about your behiavor. Initially feedback is: at least 2 full days.

By the way, here’s what 2 days means in terms of effectiveness: to match the impact of this 90 second video, a day-long training program would need to result in 640 days of changed behavior to match this effectiveness… and that’s not even correcting for training’s significantly higher cost per minute!

If you like the concept and want more information, send an email to jason@seidenleadership.com. I’ll be glad to show you more.

Brian & LaRon, this one is for you:

Posted under Video, Coaching & Consulting, Gen X & Gen Y

After wrapping up a coaching call with an individual who is working to improve his confidence in a variety of business-social settings, I found myself at 900 N Michigan Ave (aka the Bloomingdale’s building), which is a pretty big mall here in downtown Chicago.

Naturally, I grabbed a spot at the top of the escalator on the main floor, cracked open the laptop, and filmed a vlog for all y’all introverts.

In a nutshell, here’s what you’ll learn in the video:

• Track your experiences and convert them into stories that have beginnings, middles, ends… and emotional appeal.
• Track situations that make you uncomfortable and admit to yourself what it is about yourself that makes you uncomfortable. (Usually, when you blame someone else for your own discomfort, it’s because you refuse to admit something *about* yourself *to* yourself. Get over yourself.) Then identify what you’ll need to do to master those situations.

(RSS subscribers, click thru for video.)

Posted under Coaching & Consulting, Communications

New video! (RSS subscribers, click through to view)

What is the #1 determinant of professional success? Find out (here’s a clue: it’s a perspective, and it rhymes with rersonal pesponsibility), plus  learn a simple exercise you can play to help you cultivate it. All in less than 3 1/2 minutes.

Posted under Coaching & Consulting, Self-Development