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If you’re like most people, you’re awful at giving feedback. In fact, you’re lucky if you rise to the level of awful. It’s not your fault; you’re only doing what you’ve been taught. Problem is, conventional wisdom about giving feedback is dead wrong.

If conventional wisdom were right, performance reviews wouldn’t be so notoriously useless, and you wouldn’t constantly face the problem of people’s behavior getting a little better for awhile before reverting right back to the bad behavior of old. Some of these rules fly in the face of what is commonly taught by experts, consultants, LMS vendors, and HR practitioners. Perhaps for that reason, these rules work.

Seiden’s Rules to Giving Feedback:

1. Never precede negative feedback with positive feedback. (You read that right.) Why not? Because the implication is that Bill or Jim or Lisa or Monica or whoever you’re talking to is a delicate flower who will be devastated by your feedback if you don’t build up his or her self-esteem before delivering the tough news. Wonderful. Now you’re patronizing, and you haven’t even gotten to the meat of the conversation yet. No wonder they don’t listen to you–would you listen to someone who underestimates your ability to act like a grown up in the face of tough news?
2. Never precede negative feedback with positive feedback. (That repeat is not a typo.) If you do precede bad news with good news, you train your listener to expect bad news to follow good news. Congratulations, you just diminished your ability to deliver positive feedback. The next time you have something nice to say, Bill or Jim or Lisa or Monica won’t hear it… the entire time you’re talking, they’ll be thinking, “Oh boy, here it comes… I wonder what I did this time–wow, this is effusive praise, I must have really screwed up big time, I wish the other shoe would drop already.”
3. Speak sincerely. Don’t just say, “I don’t care who’s to blame” unless you mean it. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. I’ve given a lot of people a lot of feedback, I’ve watched people give each other feedback in team settings, and one thing I can say is, our BS-o-meters are darn good. If you think you can fool someone by saying the “right” things insincerely, rest assured that all you are doing is training them to guess what your real motives are.
4. Look ‘em in the eye and use the words “you” and “me” and “I.” As in, “I’m struggling with you right now,” or, “I get the sense that you would rather…” Don’t talk about what others say, or what you’ve heard. Don’t start off by asking, “You know what your problem is?” Give feedback as if you two are the only ones in the world, and involve yourself.
5. Ignore behavior that should be ignored. Not everything that can be addressed should be.
6. Avoid extremes. Stay away from words like always, never, severely, crippling, devastating, terrible, sucky, horrible, God-awful, crappy, deplorable, and anything that ends in -est. Dave didn’t look in the morning and think, “I’m looking at the most obnoxious person in the office!” So when you tell Dave that he’s the most obnoxious person in the office, his reaction is to show you why you’re wrong rather than listen to you.
7. If things go weird, it’s your fault. If you are at all anxious or nervous about giving feedback, or if you are at all angry or upset when you do so, then your emotional state itself will trigger a response, and you and your feedback-ee will start talking through one another. Now, are some people incorrigible? Yes. Is it still your fault if you are dealing with one of them when things go bad? Yes. (“What?! Why!”) Because you weren’t smart enough to avoid engaging said incorrigible person in a debate.
8. Feedback and catharsis are two different things. The purpose of feedback is to improve things in the future. Venting is emotional release about what’s happened in the past. Venting is very different from, serves a different purpose than, and elicits a different response as feedback.
9. Match the environment to the severity of the feedback. There is a reason people throw big gala events for their 60th birthdays but not their 37ths. Similarly, big celebrations or big talking-to’s should go along with big events. Not every crime should be a capital offense.
10. Anticipate resistance. Have you ever received tough feedback? How did you feel? Don’t try to guess what the recipient is thinking. Instead, remember a time when you yourself were on the other side of the coin and get in touch with what you’d be feeling. We connect with others on an emotional level, not an analytical one, so now’s the time to show your empathic side.
11. Give positive feedback in the moment and use specific examples. Positively received behaviors will continue, so be very specific about what you are “rewarding” with your feedback.
12. Negative feedback will tend to get explained away, so as best as possible, discuss trends instead of specifics. Discussing specifics turns the conversation into a debate: “Oh, I only did that because Rob was baiting me.” “I know I did it that time, but I’m not usually like that.” People are governed by some pretty simple laws of human dynamics… one of which is that we have a strong, strong tendency to overestimate ourselves and underestimate others. In other words, we’re inclined to believe a version of events that makes us look good and sweeps potentially damning aspects under the rug. Your recipient will get mighty frustrated by your refusal to engage, but they’ll also keep thinking about what you’ve said long after the conversation ends… which is precisely what you want.
13. Take your time. Don’t insist that your full message get delivered and received in one sitting. Especially when emotions run high, this is probably impossible anyway. Give the other side time to digest what you’ve said and come back to you. Don’t deliver more than 2 negative messages per encounter. Got more to say? Sit down again later, or build a case that shows how these 2 problems manifest in a variety of ways.
14. Give them a path to goodness. Telling Becky she’s bad at her job without showing her how to get better is petty and mean. Show her what she needs to do better, get her the tools, or fire her. Otherwise, you’re wasting everyone’s time.
15. Follow up. If it was important enough to point out once, it’s important enough to follow up on. When you see Rachel making an effort to improve, take notice.

Posted under Coaching & Consulting, Lists, Communications

This post was written by Jason Seiden on June 6, 2008

I was recently asked: if I had an audience of family business owners, what would I talk about? My off-the-cuff answer was the title above, backed by the content below. I’ve consulted to family businesses, but more importantly, I’ve also been in one. I managed to screw up the relationships (four years in the making) and also repair them (another four years in the making), leaving me in a position to understand, both theoretically (as a consultant) and viscerally (as someone who has worked with family) how family businesses work. I know what should happen, where the blindspots are, and the reaction one is likely to elicit when suggesting to a family member that he or she deal with his or her blindspots. Working for my father-in-law was quite an experience (for both of us). Fortunately, while we were grinding away at each other, we were able to stay focused on making sure our work was of the best quality–that part of the business never suffered. Still, here’s a quick run down of five big things I screwed up while insisting he was to blame:What I blamed him for: Resisting even basic technology upgrades.Why it was actually my fault: I failed to create a need for it.Change management rule number ONE is that if there’s no urgent need, there will be no change. Because we wanted things to work, we would say things to each other like, “Yes, we should do this, what a great opportunity to marry our skill sets!” Family is apt to want to be supportive of each other. But without a defined and urgent need, those words reflected only hope… and now that I have tried to use hope to move a firm with a 25 year operating history, I can unequivocally verify that old adage: hope is not a viable strategy.What I blamed him for: Hedging on important strategic decisions, limiting their impact.Why it was actually my fault: I bit off more than the organization could effectively chew.In the Karate Kid, Mr. Miagi did not throw Daniel-san into the big tournament until he knew Daniel-san was ready. Prior to that, Mr. Miagi prepared Daniel–slowly–by helping young Daniel learn balance, to develop proper muscle memory for specific techniques, and to practice patience and mental fortitude. He even taught him speed and agility by having him catch a fly with chopsticks. By contrast, I offered my father-in-law no step-by-step plan like Mr. Miagi did. I offered only end game options, framing issues as make-or-break decisions. Meanwhile, his firm was as unprepared for these issues as Daniel-san would have been for the tournament had he not first gone through that famously effective paint-a-fence, wax-a-car, sand-a-floor routine.What I blamed him for: He kept my wings clipped.Why it was actually my fault: I put his relationships at risk.I understood this conceptually at the time, but I was blinded to the emotional reality of his dynamic with clients because I knew I could do the job. The problem was, clients didn’t know I could do the job when they first met me, and even giving me a chance posed significant risk. To them, I was family, and that created a whole set of issues at the client relationship level that I didn’t fully grasp at the time. For instance, what if I turned out to be a dud? What if I was good but not a cultural fit for the client? How could they convey that to my father-in-law? I should have anticipated this one–it’s obvious in hindsight–and worked with my father-in-law to craft a plan for approaching clients that would have eliminated their risk and thus his own.What I blamed him for: Protecting mediocre employees.Why it was actually my fault: I was focused on the wrong things.Instead of staying focused on growth and then negotiating to set different standards for any new people hired, as soon as I ran into implementation issues, I switched focus and insisted on cleaning house. I ignored the emotional attachment he was bound to have to employees he had hand picked and who were actually performing fine under the current system; I also ignored the problem of he and I not sharing a common definition of “performance.” I didn’t have the authority to “clean house,” I wasn’t asked to do it, yet I made it my mission. I told myself we could never attract the talent, and could never be successful, if the full infrastructure wasn’t first in place. I undertook these risks because I thought the efficiency gains I could generate would more than pay for the initiatives I wanted to launch, but it was a lost cause from the start. In telling my father-in-law that these employees were poor performers, I was challenging not just them, but also the culture of the firm and him personally. I was basically telling him that I thought his decision making process for the past 25 years had been crap. I think had I been him, I’d’ve thrown myself out on my ear right then and there. We had a number of conversations about how efficiency and growth were totally different animals, and ultimately changed some of the players but not others. Still, why I didn’t focus exclusively on sales and revenue growth remains a mystery to me. Success in that arena would have given me all the latitude I needed to make whatever internal changes might have become necessary to support the new business.What I blamed him for: Expecting personal loyalty for business performance.Why it was actually my fault: I skipped the step of reconciling assumptions about how we would manage family and business expectations.The assumptions he and I were making about how loyalty should be expressed were clear as day right from the outset of the relationship. He put them on the table, but through some adept rationalizing and projecting on my part, I was able to ignore the gaps between our expectations and then blame him when something would fall into the crevice between us. I wanted to draw a bright line between family and business, while he was accustomed to mixing family and business. He had very different ideas about the role of the patriarch in a family from me, and signaled as much to me. Instead of listening, I blew off the concerns, and later, when issues arose, I judged him. Big oops. This led to a rather hard position on my part when it came to questions of what constituted loyalty, and of course my firmness only served to erode his confidence in me and cause him to try harder, accelerating the pace at which we butted heads for awhile. The more I demanded to stand on my own two feet, the more rebuffed he felt. By not reconciling our versions of loyalty, I internalized lots of frustration, and caused him to do the same. This issue alone probably cost me half an inch from my hairline.The most interesting thing about my experiences in the family business is that it confirmed for me that if you want to be successful, you must take 100% responsibility for success. To win, nothing can ever be someone else’s fault. My key issue with was that at some point, I stopped taking responsibility. And at that point, I lost control over my own success, and we ultimately separated. With the experience behind us, and with my newfound maturity on the subject, we’ve been able to come back and repair the relationship; in fact, I’d say it’s as strong now as it’s ever been. Now listening to one another, we’re also finding that the natural balance for our relationship is nowhere near where I was trying to force it the first time around… through dialogue, we’ve been able to let things evolve as needed, and that’s been great for everyone……especially my wife.

Posted under Coaching & Consulting, Team Dynamics, Personal, Lists, How to Self-Destruct

I am currently reading Alan Greenspan’s book, Age of Turbulence. (I was looking for something light to help me break up my 3-tome foray into Calvin & Hobbes classics.) At one point, Greenspan muses that anyone demonstrating the willingness to do what it takes to become President of the United States should automatically be disqualified from being able to hold the post.

Something very similar could be said about those seeking the CEO spot in major companies. There must be something seriously off with anyone willing to put up with the trials and tribulations that accompany that top job… they can’t want the money–for one thing, no amount of money is worth the problems the CEO has to deal with, and for another, the amount of money these CEOs get paid only compounds their problems.

For some reason, as I was thinking about Alan Greenspan and the presidency and why people would want to be CEO, if not for the money, Bill Cosby popped into my head. In my mind’s eye, I could see him on stage, in front of that huge blue screen, delivering his classic comedy routine about children… and how the only explanation he could think of for their nonsensical behavior was…

…brain damage.

Eureka!

I had found my explanation: CEOs and aspiring CEOs are brain damaged! It must be. They are the kids Cosby was talking about, all grown up. Why else would they deal with the things they do?

Not sure what I’m referring to? Step with me for a moment into the CEOs world and see. Here are nine characteristics of successful CEOs. You tell me if this list sounds like it describes a “normal” person.

1. The successful CEO must love power. (Because he’s going to have a whole lot of it…)
3. The successful CEO must have an inherent distrust of anyone’s authority but her own.
4. The successful CEO must have an adaptable moral compass. (He will be on the vanguard of ethical dilemmas for which there is no precedence.)
5. The successful CEO must be willingness to break off almost any relationship, at any time. (Not only must he be willing to make the tough call, but he has a target on your back, and he never knows who will take the next shot at it.)
6. The successful CEO must be willing to assume personal liability for the actions of people who she knows to be incapable of doing anything other than their immediate job.
7. The successful CEO must assume complete responsibility for outcomes over which he has, at best, only indirect influence.
8. The successful CEO must thrive under intense pressure.
9. The successful CEOmust love the political game. (There is no non-negotiable mechanism to prevent personal issues from influencing business decisions.)

Well? Does it?

Posted under Lists, Leadership

I wrote previously about earning trust, and about how before you can have a lasting relationship with someone, there needed to be a first date.

I wanted to touch back on this topic. I think it’s important, because this principle applies broadly to all sorts of relationships, including business ones.

Especially if you are in a sales situation and you want to close a deal with the person on the other side of the table, you need to bear in mind that the other side isn’t sitting there, waiting for you to show up. They’re not about to stand up and shout, full of relief, “Oh, thank goodness you’re here! We have this big pot of money that we’ve been saving for you, and–say, do you need help carrying all this cash to your car?”

The courtship between you and your potential buyer is remarkably similar to the courtship between you and your potential spouse. (The term “closing the deal“ is even used in both cases!) And all the same ground rules apply.

So let’s set the scene: you are at a business event; let’s say it’s a trade show. You’ve identified your mark. His company is an attractive prospect, and you notice other suitors–your competitors!–lining up for the same mark. You go over your lines in your head, check your breath, and make your move. As you head out, here are 12 things to consider…

1.        Laughing is encouraged, as long as the topic is not risky.
2.        Table manners count when food of any kind is involved; if you don’t know them, pick up a copy of Tiffany’s Table Manners for Teenagers.
3.        Before getting a drink for yourself, offer to get one for the other person. If there is alcohol in your drink, don’t drink it, sip it. Slowly. (Slower.)
4.        Always take responsibility for introducing new people that may show up.
5.        Poke fun at yourself, never at others.
6.        Have conversation planned and ready to go. Practice telling stories that have a beginning, middle, and end.
7.        Don’t use any of your stories except to get things rolling; listen to your prospect and respond with questions, not a story of your own. (Sales is not about you.)
8.         Relax. Being focused and being tense are two different things.
9.        If you ask someone to a meal, take the check the moment it arrives and unobtrusively move it to a corner of the table near you. Pay it.
10.        If conversation is moving well, don’t interrupt the other person to check your Blackberry, get the waiter, pay the check, etc. Wait until you can interrupt yourself.
11.        Be courteous and respectful to everyone. Make eye contact with the server when ordering. Thank the bus boy.
12. Smile more than you think you should.

Don’t expect to close in one day. Sometimes you will, but most of the time you won’t. That’s OK. Have a plan, have the confidence to execute it, and have fun!

Posted under Self-Development, Lists

Here is a short list of movies that I have found to be both entertaining and highly instructive. Each of these films has, in a way, shaped my personal philosophies. In other words, take pains to avoid these movies, lest you wish to risk expanding your horizons and becoming a more interesting person.

In no particular order:

1) The Godfather Everybody should be required to watch The Godfather on an annual basis. All the basic lessons of life are in there. In order to reinforce, supplement, or–if necessary–counteract those lessons you learned from your father, watch this movie once a year. Probably the most important lesson of the movie is: Don’t be afraid to use power, but always use power wisely, and only after you’ve made certain that it won’t come back to bite you. (Just ask Sonny.)

1, Part II) The Godfather, Part II — Really, this is more of the same lesson, “all growed up.” The dual plot lines of Michael and young Vito are revealing; in both cases, the protagonist amassing power by insisting on dealing with the world as it is, not as they think should be.

2) Office Space — Riiiight… I’m going to have to go ahead and… award extra credit… to anyone who’se got a red Swingline handy. More than a classic, this movie holds a lot of secrets about what’s wrong in business today, and how to make it better. Most overlooked lesson of the film: Life’s a lot more fun if you’re friends with an Indian rap aficcionado.

3) Parenthood — A Ron Howard movie with an all star cast, led by Steve Martin. I always thought this movie was “fine,“ until I caught it on cable about three months after my second daughter was born. Words like “prophetic,” “critical,” “important life lessons,” and “Wow, them, too?” suddenly flashed through my mind. Important lesson: The roller coaster never ends; chase your goals, but make sure you learn to enjoy the ride, because–like Jason Robards says–it never ends.

4) Dawn Patrol (1938 version) — watch what happens when a war aviator goes from flying ace to man-in-charge. Not only an indictment against war, it’s also a perfect representation on how friendships can become impacted after one gets promoted.

5) Patton — Leadership, politics, and charisma, with a dash of mysticism. And if that opening speech in front of the American flag isn’t one of the greatest motivational speeches of all time, I don’t know what is.

6) His Girl Friday — The power of interpersonal influence, at hyperspeed; also, it’s fun to watch two incredibly quick-witted people try to outmaneuver one another for a full 92 minutes.

7) Rocky — This could be the most perfect movie ever made. The sequence before the big fight is one of the best on film… the subtleties of Rocky’s interaction with the promoter (who says ”I’m sure you’ll give us a great show“ instead of ”great fight“) and Rocky’s subsequent realization that to “win,” he has to go the distance against Apollo Creed–that he can’t knock out the champ even if he has the opportunity, because he has to go the distance!–went completely missed by me the first few dozen times I saw the movie. But in that 9 minute sequence, when Rocky strips his world down to a single decision and then comes to a conclusion to move forward even in the face of overwhelming odds–despite having an easy road out of danger (all he has to do is take a dive!)–Stallone gives us a window into true courage. In life, when a leader faces a tough call, he or she closes the door, forgets the world, and tries to face the decision alone… no past, no consequences, no nothing, except what’s right. It’s a feeling we all know, a moment that tests us to the core. And Stallone captured it.
The 6th Sense — Perception is everything… this is storytelling at its best. This movie offers a powerful lesson in how the process of revealing information can color the information itself.

9) When We Were Kings — The power of personality, the power of the press, and the power of power: Ali does all he can to win this fight before he ever steps into the ring. Why? When you see what Foreman does to the punching bag in the training room, you’ll know.

10) The Princess Bride — Good triumphs over evil, true love transcends death, and Billy Crystal crows, ”To blave…“ Who can argue with any of that? Plus, this movie correctly shows how people bring their own quirks into their official roles: take Inigo Montoya, who is on a lifelong mission to avenge his father, but who also works for Vencini ”to pay the bills.“ We often want people to leave ”themselves“ at home when they are acting in an official capacity, yet watch how refreshing it is to see these characters’ honesty!

11) Gladiator — In the end, it’s Excellence & Courage in one corner, and Cowardice & Cunning in the other… as it so often is in life. And as in life, Excellence & Courage eventually wins, but only after paying a steep price for a victory that was inevitable from the start. The subtext of this movie for me is this: it doesn’t matter what twists and turns life throws at you, you somehow manage to wind up right back where you’re supposed to be, right when you’re supposed to be there. This movie reminds me an Alexander Pope quote: ”Whatever is, is right.“

12) Shawshank Redemption — This movie is about one thing: the power of the human spirit.

13) 12 Angry Men — Few movies offer better character studies than this one; this movie is frequently used in organizational behavior classes to help show common group dynamics and how to overcome them.

14) High Noon — Gary Cooper is the epitome of the stand up guy in this movie, but notice how the lone cowboy spends the entire movie trying to recruit help… at no point does he ever want to shoulder the burden of facing the outlaws by himself. (Designers of American pop culture kind of missed that point when idealizing Cooper’s Will Cain character.) Also, watch the scene in the church for a perfect representation of how cowardice can twisted to sound rational in a group setting.

15) On the Waterfront — Most people think of courage as having the guts to make big, bold moves. Here’s what real courage looks like; the tough conversations, the dirty looks, the tortured souls… the beatings, emotional and otherwise.

16) The Usual Suspects — Before there was M. Night Shyamalan, there was The Usual Suspects. One of the best plot twists I’ve ever seen… and a great story within a story. (It helps that when I saw it the second time, at the Vic in Chicago, it was the first half of a double feature and was followed by Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. What a crowd that was…)

17) Dr. Strangelove… — Worth watching for the scenes in the War Room alone. The conversation between George C. Scott and Peter Sellers about the merits of a pre-emptive strike (”I’m not saying we wouldn’t get our hair mussed!“) should be shown in every ethics class out there. The scene is as hilarious as it is appalling.

18) Die Hard — Because everyone needs an escape from reality once in awhile.

19) Raiders of the Lost Ark — For the contrast between the get-it-done guy (Indiana), who is in it for the love of the work, and the make-it-look-good guy (Belloq), who is in it for the spoils.

20) American History X — What makes change hard is that not only do you have to change, but the people around you also have to agree to accept the new you. This is easier said than done, especially when the change you make for yourself is to release the very weakness or vice (in this case, hatred) that defined your bond with others. For this reason, no change is without its price. By the way, the quote at the end is by Abraham Lincoln; it was the closing to his first inaugural address, and the topic to which he was referring was the South’s attempt to secede from the Union.

Posted under Self-Development, Lists, Leadership