Peon_in_chief asked this question under my post about communicating with emotional impact.

The exact question is, “I understand not being overly emotional or direct with a co-worker or boss is best, but what if you really need to get something across to them, or you need a definite win? Sometimes being tough can get you the end result as opposed to really getting agressive to make your point. If you’re nice and tactful about it and your boss doesn’t take you seriously and you fail, your boss could always go back to you and say ‘you know, you really didn’t seem that upset by me not backing you on that issue.’ It’s like a lose-lose situation.”

Fantastic question. And now, a fantastic answer.

A: Peon,

Great point. Let’s break it down 3 ways.

One way to slice this is to recognize three ways to attack a situation like this: with power, rights, or interests. The emotional impact approach is a set up for an interest-based conversation, which takes time and has its risks… chief among them being that interest-based conversations tend to be played in the near-term at the lowest common denominator. This is a fancy way of saying that until you “train” the other side that you’re really about meeting mutual interests—and by interests, I mean “what people need” as opposed to “what people say they need”—you’re going to run into walls like you describe above. The only antidote for this is to start building relationships with people when there is no issue to discuss. (See my post on likability.)

But what if you didn’t do that, and now here you are, in a must win situation?

1. Power. You could go straight at the person. There are a number of forms of power, though if you’re a subordinate, formal power ain’t one of them. This means that you’re going to need to know your stuff to an extremely convincing degree, or threaten to go over the person’s head. And now hang on a sec… making an overt threat like that is only going to get you kicked in the proverbial groin, so don’t go thinking that I just advocated threatening your boss. I don’t. In this case, I’m talking about something far more subtle… like suggesting that the decision get opened up to a broader group… or talking to a peer in a different area and then mentioning as much to your boss. Both of these avenues use transparent communications to let your boss know that s/he may hear about it from other sources and therefore should “be prepared.“ Another form of power is entirely interpersonal and it goes like this: if your boss doesn’t like conflict, challenge him. If she does like to fight, stand your ground and earn your say. If she doesn’t like decisions, pre-sell your idea to a group and then go back and tell her that the team is unanimously behind it… and so on. This approach takes some huevos… but no one promised winning was nice.
2. Rights. ”The contract says.“ ”This is what’s fair.“ And so on. Using rights to force someone to see your point of view means focusing them on some objective standard. And after 19 years in various work environments, including several summers in a law office, and after 35 years of life, I can tell you: rights doesn’t work. People are not rational. Facts are meaningless until interpreted, and all interpretations are subject to the errors, omissions, quirks, and prejudices of the human mind.

Another way to slice this is purely at the interpersonal level: how can you get your point across most effectively? You have five options in this model:

1. Fight. Not with fists, but with directness and persistence. As in, ”Look, Boss, with all due respect, I’m not leaving this office until I’m convinced you fully understand me, because when you do, I think you’ll have a different course of action.“
2. Accommodate. This is what you’re currently doing. It won’t get you a win. Grow a spine.
3. Compromise. Splitting the baby is the ultimate in meh.
4. Explore. Another way of talking about looking for mutual interests. Works, but takes time and requires a relationship because you need to share information that could make you vulnerable along the way.
5. Stall. Postpone the decision by saying something like, ”Hmm… I’m thinking… that I should run a different slice of the data. Let’s regroup later today.“ Repeat as necessary until you’re feeling the flow and think you can sway the final decision.

And finally, there’s this perspective: don’t worry about it. You’re not paid to make the decision, your boss is. Let him/her make it. And if s/he screws it up, say, ”Don’t even think about blaming me for this. I sat here and told you exactly what was going to happen. So whuddya say you and I work on a communication plan that ensures you do hear the important stuff next time?“

Good luck!

Posted under Q&A, Coaching & Consulting, Self-Development

Looking for a quick way to maximize your conceptual skills? If you’re reading biz book after biz book, you probably are stymieing your strategic abilities rather than nurturing. This video explains way, and also includes quick tips on how to recognize intelligence in others. (RSS readers: click through to see the vid!)

Posted under Self-Development, Communications

New video! (RSS subscribers, click through to view)

What is the #1 determinant of professional success? Find out (here’s a clue: it’s a perspective, and it rhymes with rersonal pesponsibility), plus  learn a simple exercise you can play to help you cultivate it. All in less than 3 1/2 minutes.

Posted under Coaching & Consulting, Self-Development

Why is success so hard sometimes? How can it be that some people—maybe even you—can know exactly what to do and still have such a tough time doing it? In short, it’s because we put all the bad things we know we should stop doing into a mental bucket called “comfort zone,” and we stick a label on that bucket that reads “Do not throw away.”

Now get ready for the most blatant visual metaphor since “this is your brain on drugs.”
(Anyone else suddenly in the mood for fried eggs?)

Posted under Coaching & Consulting, Self-Development, How to Self-Destruct

Do you know how the story ends?

Neither do I.

But who cares?

A satisfying ending is not the same as a happy ending. Consider how many a happy Hollywood ending has ruined an otherwise fantastic movie… and how some of the most satisfying works have gut-wrenching endings that leave you in tears. (Lassie, anyone? Romeo and Juliet, anyone?)

The same is true for people. Not that you need to be a martyr or a tortured soul, but the heroes, legends, and artists who stand the test of time tend to be the ones who focused on the story of their lives more than the happiness of the ending. They stayed focused on the bigger picture, and if they thought of themselves as the stars of the show, they nonetheless remembered that the star was but one role in a massive production.

Washington. MLK. Lincoln. Mother Theresa. These people did not chase dollars, the trappings of success, or “happy endings.” They chased life. They created the lives they wanted to live and they lived them. They stayed in the moment, chasing their passions and letting their stories unfold. They shaped their world, but stayed true to their story while doing so. Washington is a perfect example: he seems to have been a shrewd politician, yet his story was the birth of America, and when presented with the opportunity for unprecedented personal power, he turned it down. Heroes remember why they are here, and never confuse their own “happiness” as the reason for their existence.

Look at the story of your life. How is it unfolding? Is it the kind of story that people would care about?

Does it have a compelling protagonist?

Or are you uncommitted, boring, and afraid to do anything that might steer you, even temporarily, away from that happy ending you so desperately think you want? Are you settling for this because you think you need a safe ending? Have you forgotten that in the most famous movie love story on screen, the guy does not get the girl?!

It’s time to put everything you’ve got into your story. If you don’t like how it’s unfolding, OK… keep going. Work the script over and over and over again, until your very last breath.

Because unless you’re already dead, you’re still somewhere in the middle of your story.

Stop trying to guess what happens next, no one knows how this thing ends.

So do what you can to make things unfold as you’d like, and then take what comes and

enjoy the story.

Posted under Self-Development, Personal