What Confidence “is”:
Confidence is not courage. Courage is the ability to stand up to great odds. Confidence is the ability to move forward decisively in the face of great ambiguity. Put another way: courage gets you onto the battlefield; confidence is what helps you keep your head held high while operating in the fog of war. You need both.
How to spot Confidence in others:
A firm handshake. A clear voice. Steady hands. Direct eye contact. Measured, even breathing. Calm nerves. A relaxed face. Focused eyes. Presence of mind when speaking. No tics or tells. Good posture. A purposeful gait. Quick decisions.
These are the markers that are hardwired into our internal confidence radar. Sometimes, they even work. But not always. If you really want to know if someone is self-confident, try this:
Ask them about their strengths and shortcomings at the same time. Something like, “OK, you’re clearly good at a number of things, but no one’s perfect… what are you best at, and what skills have you sacrificed in order to get good in those areas?” Or, “You’re clearly humble, but surely there is something that you enjoy focusing on…?” In both cases, you are leading the person to a balanced response; see if you get it! (In an assessment, I prefer a non-leading, totally open question format, but in casual conversation, the leading question usually flows more naturally.) A person who avoids discussing shortcomings, especially after repeated questions, is a blowhard. Someone who avoids discussing strengths is either honestly humble or lacking in confidence; you can test this by looking at what the person has accomplished, and how the person carries him/herself.
NOTE ABOUT GENDER DIFFERENCES: Women and men don’t seem to show confidence the same way. My experience is that women are less likely to trumpet their own abilities; I have watched more than one completely qualified woman downplay her strengths—to an extreme—as a matter of social protocol as opposed to any lack of confidence. So men, pay closer attention to what women do than what they say. And women: stop being so polite. (In several cases, I have seen a professional woman highlight a strength by asking for re-assurance about rather than call direct attention to it… and I have seen alpha male peers read that as a sign of weakness.) Men and women, you are forewarned.
This video runs through the basics and explains why confidence is so important to develop:
Develop your own Confidence:
There is a surefire method for developing confidence, and it can be summed up in a single word: repeat. Rehearse, practice, experiment, run trials… whatever you call it, it’s the best way to hone your confidence. If you lack confidence because you are not good at something, remember: you don’t sit down at a grand piano and learn to play in a day.
Treat your incompetence as a temporary phase. Play through.
The confidence will come.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Well said.
I think that athletics is good for gaining confidence, for two reasons. One, you learn how to train: how to do things that are too hard for you, incrementally and repeatedly, until you master them. That lesson pays dividends in a lot of other areas.
Two: physical strength and mastery leads to confidence. Maybe this is only true for women, or more true for women than for men, but I think people who are physically confident are more socially confident. I think strength training has a payoff that goes way beyond the physical realm. Maybe it springs from the former lesson: people who have trained themselves to become stronger know they can master things that were once too hard. But that’s the odd advice I give to people who need to become more confident: get physically stronger, and in learning how to do that you will also build confidence.
Good post. I know what you mean about women showing confidence in different ways (and often failing at showing confidence). However, it’s a double-edged sword. I tend to be rather masculine in the way I argue my points. It’s very similar to my husband’s communications style in those situations. But I’m the only one who comes across as a bitch.