My wife received a lovingly delivered lecture from her dad the other day. It was one of those well intentioned, mini-lectures we all get from parents from time to time. (Ed, hang in there, you’re going to look very good—or at least far better than me—by the end of this post.) He warned her about the risk of completely losing herself in her work when she moves her office from downtown Chicago to a spot much closer to home later this summer.
When she told me about it, I asked if she reminded him that she already worked from home, going in to the office so infrequently that her mail gets forwarded? Or that she had to figure this balance thing out the day she started giving out her cell number to her clients? Or that she fits a full time billing schedule into 3 days a week—and has been for 5 years—in order to have 2 free days to spend with the kids?
“No,” she told me. “Not worth it.”
Now, wouldn’t you know it, it turns out that my father-in-law and I have lecturing in common… except he’s better at it. I know this because no sooner did I shake my head incredulously at this story than I noticed my older daughter doing something that needed to be straightened out.
One guess how I handled it.
My daughter’s reaction to me wasn’t quite as placid as my wife’s was to her dad. So I started thinking: what’s the secret to giving a proper lecture?
There are so many times when someone feels compelled to march right up to someone and tell that person off—or maybe explain to them exactly why they’re making a mistake and need to change ASAP—that it pays to do it the right way, no? So I went back to Elle, and I asked her about it. Now, let me tell you what goes through somebody’s mind when you start lecturing them…
No. Wait.
Even better:
I’ll let Elle tell you herself.
The upshot?
Never lecture. The only good lecture is the one you swallow. Worst case, the lecturee loses respect for you. Best case, you get that impenetrable, plastic smile.
Instead of lecturing, wait until the emotion passes, then lead with questions or inquiring statements that sound like, “That was an interesting choice you made,” or, “Have you thought about how having an office close to home may change your work habits?”
You need to wait until the emotion passes, by the way, because otherwise, your question sounds like an angry bark.
You may be surprised at what comes back… I know I was.
Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.
I'm the CEO of Ajax Social Media. We're helping 1 million people shine by making their online stories better. 
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Words spoken with love are always better-received than words spoken in fear. Your father-in-law was afraid for your wife’ work/life balance, and you were probably afraid that something your daughter was doing was not good for her, or not the best way to do it. So you are right to suggest that we wait to let the initial emotion — fear — pass and then speak from the better emotion of love. People always want to be loved; I don’t know any who WANT to be lectured to!
@Heath—I have nothing to add to that. Thank you.