Giving Feedback: Coach or Judge, But Don’t Do Both

“You broke up? Cool. I never liked him/her anyway.”

Is there someone reading this who hasn’t said this to a friend?

What comes at you next typically sounds something like this:

“Seriously? Why didn’t you say anything?!”

(To which the proper response is, “I did. You didn’t want to hear it… Pass the salt?”)

Of course, had you pressed your point the first time, your friend would have ended the friendship about 4 minutes after you crammed your point down his/her throat. Which you knew, and which is why you didn’t press the point.

Unlike me, who has pressed such points more than once, and has the former friends to show for it.

But what about when you’ve got something to say, and it’s critical that the person hears you? What if it’s not a friend, but a coworker?

Or a boss?!

How do you frame your feedback to make sure you get heard… and not dismissed?

“Oh, I know! Sandwich the critical feedback between two positives!”

Sure. That’s… fantastic. And the secret to being a great driver is to always use your turn signal before changing lanes.

Please.

For one minute, let’s get real about what it takes to deliver feedback.

Which is this:

Choose to judge or coach, but not both.

You know why, when I warned my buddy that his spouse was in it for the money, that he didn’t hear me? Well, a few reasons, actually… but one of them was that I’d always helped guide him through issues, and the switch from coach to judge was too abrupt. When I pressed the point, he didn’t hear my feedback because he was busy asking himself, “Where is this coming from?! This doesn’t sound like the friend I know!”

When someone starts wondering where you’re coming from, the conclusion they generally come to is not—repeat, not—”Geez, this is different, it must be serious! I should pay attention!” No. It’s one of the following:

You’re jealous.
You’re afraid of “losing” me now that my situation has changed.
You don’t understand.
You’re a bitter person who can’t stand to see me happy.
You’re judging the relationship based on what would be right for you…

It’s just not in our nature to assume the best of others, I guess.

Too bad.

So how do we—the feedback givers—get around this?

We don’t.

Well, we can a little bit. That’s tomorrow’s post. But the short answer today is, we don’t.

Once you’ve chosen your role as judge or coach, it’s best to stick to that role. If you need to deliver a different message, enlist someone else to help you who can take on that other role for you.

Then, brace yourself. It’s going to be mighty frustrating watching someone finally “hear” a message from someone else that you’ve been trying to deliver for ages… but that’s what it is.

Make your choice, and stick to it. That’ll make the tactics—which I’ll talk about tomorrow—much easier to follow.