Maybe seven years ago or so, my wife commented to me that I hold a log of grudges.
For whatever reason, on that day, her comment hit me hard: I didn’t feel like I was carrying torches, but when I thought about things, I realized there was a gap in my life… specifically in my social network. I had close friends, and I had… everyone else.
I called everyone else acquaintences, and this group included casual friends, people I had just recently met and had not yet grown to know, and old friends who had screwed me or who had some area of their life with which I disagreed.
As I thought on it, I realized that I wasn’t being fair. I was keeping people at a distance, for no good reason. Especially with close friends, when I would discover a difference in our philosophies, I was mentally downgrading them. I didn’t know how to accept differences. Plus, in every social circle I had–personal, family, work–I had an enemy. I had someone with whom I let our differences define our relationship. I was holding on to differences, looking past possible areas of common ground.
I was holding grudges.
After much effort, about three years later I was able to eliminate my grudges. Completely. How I did it is still a bit of a mystery to me, although I know I changed my focus during that time, from a place of “Why won’t this person just wake up?” to “This person is who s/he is… why am I having trouble accepting that?”
My wife has a saying, “I love it when people are so… themselves!” I used that as my mantra for awhile–at first I had to remind myself consciously to take people as they are, and sometimes I had to insist to myself that I stick to it. I had the determination to do so, and eventually, I found that I truly began to enjoy people more. Not only did my grudges evaporate, but I also became more fond of people in general… I started to get curious about people and seek out their stories. Everyone has a story, and I found that if you genuinely want to hear it, people will want to tell it. Personally, I like going beyond the stories. I like hearing about happy endings; I like when I hear someone’s story and can tell that they truly enjoy their tale… that they’re comfortable with who they are and the path they’re on. Some people don’t see their happy endings; either they missed the lesson, or don’t realize that the story isn’t over yet. In those cases, I can’t help but to try to point it out for them.
This, from a guy who used to carry grudges!
Now, this isn’t to say that I don’t find some people difficult, never argue, or never get frustrated when people close to me insist on getting in their own way (again). Nor is it to say that I’ve become a raving extrovert who can submerse himself in a sea of people without balancing those activities with (a lot) of “alone” time. I gave up grudges, I didn’t become perfect! Still, the effect has been big. I have become more comfortable with people. I have become more spontaneous and less fearful of others’ opinions. And I have freed up a surprising amount of mental “space” for working through other, more important issues.
It’s amazing how much better you can focus on a solution when you’re not trying to create a problem for someone else.
