<irony>
The best way to leave a job? Bah.
Quit Gracefully? Pfft.
Seriously. Quit gracefully? Get lost.
Who are you, Coco? You think that doing this “the right way” is going to land you a $33 million payout?
No way.
Out here, there’s no prize for playing nice. Anyone who’s been screwed in a divorce settlement can tell you that. No, when it’s time to go, you get the hell out of there, as boldly and as selfishly as possible. And if there’s blood, so be it. People will understand. They know that whatever you said during your breakup, you were probably didn’t mean it. Or that you did mean it but not to the extreme that you said it. Or that you meant it fully because your ego just took a beating and you’re emotional. People get it.
If they don’t, they’ll get over it.
So let’s forget the “right” way to quit your job, and let’s talk about the effective way—the forever way. The way that would have gotten Conan $66 mil and a reputation for kicking ass. They way filled with so much emotionally satisfying closure that you and your boss may find yourselves wanting post-quitting make-up sex.
- Tell everyone exactly what’s happening. Let the whole company know you’re leaving, and why. Be explicit, be extreme, and for goodness’ sake, be excessive.
- Burn that bridge! If you don’t take out the bridge as you cross it, there is a chance that you may have to one day cross it again. Do you really want to walk around thinking you might have to deal with your (former) employer again one day? *Shudder.* Nip that option in the bud now while you have the chance.
- Give the company what for in exit interview. In the exit interview, explain all the things you thought of doing to fix the situation but didn’t bother to do because you didn’t believe anyone would help you. If HR asks you why you didn’t tell them about your problems sooner, adopt a confused look and say, “Because HR always struck me as a bunch of hand-wringing sissies. Why, did I miss something?” That’ll show ‘em.
- Let your boss know who’s boss. The moment you stop working for your boss, it’s like hitting the reset button on your relationship together, and that means the power balance shifts from “advantage: boss” to “neutral.” Take advantage of the momentum by pushing it even further: tell your boss exactly where she can stick your resignation manifesto. And remember: more volume equals more better.
- Write a resignation manifesto. Hey, it worked for Jerry McGuire!
- Go on a long vacation. I’m not talking physically, just mentally. Take at least a year to decompress from all the stress your last boss caused you. Don’t worry about your resume. If a future employer asks about all the time off, say, “When I do something, I do it all the way. I used those many moons to master the art of chillaxing. You do have Wii in the break out room, right?”
- Be quick and efficient. Notice is for pansies who only “quit” as a negotiating ploy because what they really want is a raise. When it’s time to go, just go.
- Sneak onto your boss’ computer. The only way you’re getting a letter of recommendation is through blackmail, so make sure to get that evidence before they turn off your access!
- Use the grapevine. How many times did your boss not tell you something important? How many times did you learn critical information “accidentally” in a hallway conversation? Well, now’s your chance to give that stained lunchbag of a boss a taste of his own medicine: let him find out you’re quitting from the rumor mill!
- One word: sabotage. You’re boss protects himself, leaving you to hang. Your company makes a “strategic decision,” leaving you out in the cold. Your coworker messes up, turning you into collateral damage. Well, my friend, there’s only one way to get even. “Your scheming on a thing/It’s sabotage!
Now don’t bother me with any more of your “the best way to quit” crap, this is how quitting is done!
</irony>
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Timely post for me to read since my last day at my current job is less than a week away. I totally get where you’re going with the advice, and it’s certainly similar to what I have advised people in the past.
One question I have for you is do you think there is a way to successfully give constructive feedback during an exit interview so that the company will know you are serious about trying to help them better the department? I know I can give constructive feedback. What I don’t know is how to frame it in such a way so that change just might occur.
Hi Trish. I’d tell the truth, straight up. Regardless of how they ask the question, I’d reset the conversation and give them the info you think they need to hear.
I’d also ask to have a senior exec present. If the interviewer won’t at least call them, be warned: you are being processed, not listened to.
If you really want to make an impact and help the company, follow up the interview by calling or stopping by the CEOs office and repeating your message.
I think sometimes you really can’t help but do 6, as much as it must be nice to be the perfect future-employee all the time.
I quit my job with no plan once. I was only working at the job for seven months but in that time my spirit was completely crushed (and I had a strained wrist from the repetitive work without breaks). The previous three people working under my manager had also quit within a year. (When I left they were talking about giving a promotion because of all his ‘training experience’.)
I decided to quit one day when I was nearly hit by a car on my way to work and I realized I felt completely indifferent about whether I lived or died, despite the fact that I had a lot of good things in my life. So I saved enough to get by for six weeks, worked out my notice-period and planned to do nothing for a month but recover. Luckily a friend offered me a job before the six weeks was up.