It’s not “Give to Get.” It’s “Make or Take.”

There’s a conventional wisdom with regards to relationship building in general, and social media in particular, that suggests you must “give” before you can “get.”

You provide value, which earns you the right to extract value at a later time.

But that’s not right.

Relationship building is not transactional. If you do something for me and I perceive that the only reason you’re doing this is because you want something in return, I’m not digging on that. I might go along with it, but after I fulfill your request this one time to bring us to even, I may never work with you again.

The way to truly build relationships, online and off, is to make things happen rather than seek to take things from others. If you’re a “maker”—as opposed to a “taker”—then you can ask me for stuff all day long and I won’t mind, because I know you are going to create new opportunities for me, too—opportunities that will allow me to replace whatever I just gave you. You’ll introduce me to people, send me the information I need, give me actionable and timely advice when I need it, etc.

To be a “maker,” you need to be clear on what you want (even if what you want is to understand more clearly what you want!), you need to make it clear to me how I can help you get what you want that helps me understand how helping you will enrich me, too (financially, spiritually, emotionally, or otherwise), and you need to be patient and confident.

For instance, let’s say I want to work for you. I could send you a resume, but you won’t read it. I could call you and ask for an informational meeting, but you’d see right through that. I could start a group on LinkedIn about my area of interest, but the moment I throw out the “I want to work with you!” message, I lose credibility.

Or, I can make something. Maybe I start a blog about fly fishing. Maybe I start posting photos from grade school on my Facebook page. Maybe I reach out to you in a business context and start sending you links to people you ought to know or videos I think will help you or new technologies I think you should know about.

Then I reach out and say, “Hey, as much as I love writing about fly fishing, I love doing it even more. You guys make outdoor products—who’s rep’ing your product to the tour guides in Colorado? Have you thought about going after that market? (And, on a related note, how big does a market need to be to make it interesting to you?)”

Now look: we’re having a conversation, you know exactly what I want, and the way in which the conversation is happening, you see me as the kind of person who can make things happen—both for myself and for you.

A little bit more powerful than, “How can I help you,” don’t you think?

Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.