Common Corporate Phrases That Are Total Nonsense

If you’re social, you probably landed here from the JPIE blog, an oasis of awesome in this online sea of meh.

If you didn’t, I recommend you take a moment and head there now; the post below is a continuation of the discussion I started there as a guest blogger. (Warning: the jpie post includes an f-bomb.)

Continuing the grand tradition of messing things up despite great intentions, below is a list of 10 things people say when they try to be honest but don’t quite get there… and the consequences of each miss:

#1
WHAT YOU SAY: “I’d like to be on the team.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “My resume needs more oomph.”
WHAT YOU GET: Hazed.

#2
WHAT YOU SAY: “The facts are the facts.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “My interpretation of the facts are the facts.”
WHAT YOU GET: An argument that never ends.

#3
WHAT YOU SAY: “We tried that, it didn’t work.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “I’d rather not deal with you right now.”
WHAT YOU GET: A consultant infestation.

#4
WHAT YOU SAY: “We don’t need to get management involved.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “This isn’t quite screwed up enough yet; lemme work on it some more first.”
WHAT YOU GET: A government bail out.

#5
WHAT YOU SAY: “Let’s hire someone with industry experience who can hit the ground running.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “I need people who can manage themselves because I sure as hell can’t mentor them.”
WHAT YOU GET: A staff very experienced at getting fired for having bad attitudes.

#6
WHAT YOU SAY: “I like this job.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “No one holds me accountable.”
WHAT YOU GET: Eliminated during the next re-organization.

#7
WHAT YOU SAY: (nothing)
WHAT YOU MEAN: “There is an obvious problem management needs to know about and solve that I’m too afraid to bring to their attention.”
WHAT YOU GET: A six-month, executive-sponsored organizational assessment to uncover what everyone except senior management already knows.

#8
WHAT YOU SAY: “That time doesn’t work for me.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “I’m going to make you do all the work in scheduling this meeting because it makes me feel… significant.”
WHAT YOU GET: Ideas that die.

#9
WHAT YOU SAY: “We need to match our competition.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “Copying someone else’s work got me through school, let’s just try it here.”
WHAT YOU GET: Promoted or fired, depending on your boss.

#10
WHAT YOU SAY: “My boss sucks.”
WHAT YOU MEAN: “Blaming my boss is easier and more fun than admitting my own problems, so let’s go with that.”
WHAT YOU GET: A new boss who sucks just as much as the old one.

Amazing, how people often can’t say what they mean even when they try. What else do people say that’s total nonsense?

Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.