Please, Sweet Jesus, Fix This Kid, I’ll Do Anything!

So, you hired the kid, thinking, “How bad could he be?”

And now you know: It’s THAT BAD.

Highlights:

• Shows up late every day, Sbux in hand.
• Delegates menial tasks that are actually his job to do.
• Don’t even mention that All Staff email that vilified the SVP for not inviting him to the investor meeting. “Why wouldn’t you want the one person who actually knows what’s going on in the room with investors? Maybe because you’re a FRAUD who took credit for my work!” Yeah—that was a really… stupid… email.
• Treats the receptionist like a second class citizen.
• Sneds emalls tht r barely lgibll. So bad, it seems he’s almost trying to make them bad on purpose.
• Can’t do math. At all. Even with a calculator, has a better than even shot at incorrectly calculating 14% less than $100.
• Proudest moment of the year: was first to comment on a failblog.org post. What did he say? “FIRST!!!!!”
• Most challenging life event: summer vacation with his family. Dude, like, he did not want to go, but his moms was all like, “You’re coming or else.” So stressful. But in the end it was fine, because they, like, bonded for realz.
• Proudly stars in one or more videos like this one (from YouTube, SFW):

But you can’t fire him (or her!), because he’s your own flesh and blood. Or he belongs to someone powerful, and you’re not exactly sure what would happen to you if you pulled the “Go home” card on him.

Here’s the drill: I will customize an intense, week-long, private boot camp designed to make him aware of how to operate in a professional setting. If there is a shred of life in there, we will find it and nurture it.

Camp starts with a comprehensive professional skills assessment: writing, math, finance, general knowledge, intelligence, emotional intelligence, problem solving skills, creative thinking skills, personality traits, interpersonal skills, management aptitude. The works.

After the assessment comes the feedback, and lots of it. Total immersion, for hours. And when we’re done, day one isn’t close to over.

Every day, our participant will work for five hours doing minimum wage work for a local business. This is how he will earn his meals: the quality and quantity of the meal will be dictated by the quality of the job done—as determined by a line supervisor. To be clear: no effort, no eats. (We will consult with you about alternative options for diabetic participants. Health comes first.) He will also receive six hours of personal, one-on-one instruction every day, from experts selected based on his individual development needs. And pack gym clothes, too, because physical exercise will be happening… and it will not be followed by a massage.

Your participant will barely have time to brush his teeth before the exhaustion hits… and he’ll have to sleep fast if he wants to get in a full night, because the alarm goes off early.

Friday afternoon includes a lesson review, in the form of a simulation test. Passing results in a celebration; failure, in one more lesson before the night is over.

Price: $24,999

This includes everything except airfare to and from Chicago. 1/2 payment is due at the time of booking, the other 1/2 is due before the start of the program.

Location: Chicago

The job, the gym, the lessons—your precious woo-woo is coming to Chicago for the week.

Next Available Slot: July 20-24

Sign up now and reserve your space!

Guarantee: None

We guarantee only to put the participant through our full process. If there is a sign of life, we’ll find it. But since we don’t control the source material, we cannot guarantee the outcome.

Visition: None

We will be in daily contact with you with updates. The program participant, however, will have no access to the outside world for the five days of the program: no phone, no email, no internet, no TV.

Refunds: None

This is an intensive program in which a number of professionals coordinate with one another to deliver top caliber service. We commit a substantial amount of time into developing each program that cannot be recaptured.

Special Privileges: $10,000 per request

Nah, we’re not evil. When we have a privileged participant with privileged parents,  we’re happy to bend the rules. All it costs is $10,000 a pop. This includes special meal requests for anyone who isn’t diabetic, scheduling changes, and specific boarding requests. (Peanut allergy sufferers: think twice before enrolling. We operate in real world settings and cannot guarantee peanut-free conditions.)

Logistics

Participant should expect to spend Saturday through Saturday in Chicago. Our program starts at 6am Monday morning and every minute is filled for the entire week. There is no excuse not to be ready to go Monday morning. Don’t plan on flying into ORD in the nick of time! We recommend coming in Saturday and using the weekend to get acclimated to your new city. If you’re late on Monday, it comes out of your sleep schedule.

Semi-private lessons: $19,999 per head

Got two or more? We can handle it, send them both. Want your participant to experience camp with someone else? We will schedule accordingly.

Call to book a slot.

312 961-2107. Let’s get moving.