I had a real life fail here land at my feet tonight that I feel compelled to share. The names are being withheld because everyone involved reads my blog.
People I know pretty well had a holiday party this weekend, and as part of it, they had a grab bag gift exchange. Complete with “steal cards.” For the kids. You know, the kind where everyone goes in a circle, choosing gifts and opening them, and occasionally someone picks a “gift” that is actually the right to ‘steal’ a gift from someone who’s already gone.
Someone who was at the party told me the story, the short version of which was this: One of the adults at the party swiped a ‘steal’ card for himself, and then used it. To take a gift from a kid. And no one stopped him.
This story was related to me in a, “Can you believe the nerve of that guy?!” kind of way, and I think the storyteller was a bit surprised, then, when I responded that yes, I could believe the nerve of that guy, and so could everyone else in the room, because when I heard who was there and who it was she was talking about, I realized I know—indeed, nearly everyone who knows him knows—what a piece of work he is. What I couldn’t believe more was that no one stood up for that seven year old child while a distant uncle of his took his toy away.
I talk leadership on this blog, mostly in the context of careers. But make no mistake: you don’t just turn leadership and courage on when you come to work and turn them off again when you leave.
Life isn’t fair, but that doesn’t mean you have to take injustice lying down. Not even at home.
I just sent an email to the toy-taking adult, asking if he’d verify the story: “I heard you used a ‘steal’ card to take a gift from a child at the party. That’s not true, is it?”
It’s easy to forget that you have the power to stop bad behavior; to chalk up injustices at home as “inevitable” outcomes of certain peoples’ behavioral shortcomings—people you’d rather not deal with because doing so could potentially turn your family life upside down.
That’s a ruse. There will always be people who try to take advantage of you, in all areas of life. And many of them will fight dirty, playing on your emotional strings to try to keep you in line.
So this year, I have a very important holiday wish for you: may you find the courage to stand up for what’s right, even when it’s emotionally difficult. It doesn’t mean you need to pick a fight—there’s usually a way out of situations without having it escalate—but it does mean you have to choose what’s right over what’s easy.
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Standing up for what’s right is an all-the-time thing. What a great piece of advice.
And stealing from children…that’s when I go into sword of justice mode.
Not sure if it is exactly the same game, but we have an exchange where you draw numbers and go in order, with the option of opening a new gift or taking one that is already opened. My daughter had her gift taken in the past, when she was 6, and was upset. However, that is part of the game. So, which is better, following the rules or thinking the rules don’t apply to everyone? Certainly a tough question when a child is involved, but I would vote for the rules. When you feel you’re above it all, you can certainly get in trouble. A recluse, famous golfer is experiencing that right now.
This is why a book about relationships will *also* be a book about helping those mythical “average-level” performers survive and thrive in the 21st c. If you can’t call out somebody who’ll steal from a seven year-old, what will you put up with at work? Factor in some power politics and fear of job loss: *now* what will you put up with? Or enable? That’s a slippery slope, as you well know….
@Frank—Sword of Justice, huh? In the old days, I think they called that a left hook.
@Allen—The rules were, the steal cards were only for the kids. That’s where the cheating started.
@Ken—I love how you call them “mythical ‘average-level’ performers.” Clearly, they don’t *really* exist… I mean, aren’t we all 98%’ers?
This is the most important thing that I will read today. Thanks.
Bill, that’s quite an endorsement. Thank you!
Great post, Jason, about an important topic. Let me add some things to what you’ve already got.
People who are in a group are far less likely than individuals to call out a bad actor or take action to stop something that’s wrong. Plenty of research documents this phenomenon which means that you need more courage if you’re in the group.
People in today’s American society fear confrontation more than just about anything. We have battalions of crappy bosses out there who won’t tell a team member that they’re not performing because it requires confrontation. And if you’re in a social circle, there’s the additional fear that entire relationships would be ruined.
It’s also far easier to know what should be done in a situation like you describe than it is to actually do it. I’ve been there and done it both ways. Not everyone can be brave and not everyone who is brave is brave all the time and in every situation.
What you call for is exactly what should happen. But even though it’s right, it’s never easy.
A “steal card”….? Never heard of that before, but what a terrible idea! What message does a “steal card” teach small children….????
As for the adults who were present, Shame on You All!
Is there more to the story? Did this old Grinch have something held over everyone’s head – like their job… or being cut out of the Will….?
There must have been something holding them back…. Otherwise, they are equally mean people. I don’t believe in calling people shameful…. But that is Shameful.
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Wally Bock
@Wally—so true. I’m guessing everyone there felt that push/pull—and you’re right, as armchair quarterbacks, we can be disappointed, but we need to be very, very careful not to judge. We all have our moments.
@Bruce—good insight; yes, there’s more to the story. These are good people who’s courage wasn’t there for them in a moment when they needed it. And no, the sway held by Mr. Bully is not based on anything “real” like a bucket of money. It’s a “might makes right” mentality, pure and simple.
I don’t know the game – but it’s the principle that counts right? This is a great point to make just not now- but throughout the year.Lots of unacceptable things happen because we allow them to: whether in offices, families or our communities. The old Burke quote is still good “”All that’s necessary for the forces of evil to win in the world is for enough good men to do nothing.”
@Dorothy—what a great quote.
If we were all more responsible, we could pen the scapegoats.
We’ve played what we call the “White Elephant” gift exchange for years and I’ve never seen an adult swipe from a kid. Good God. I’m glad you called him out. We need more of that.