A: There are two exercises I will sometimes prescribe to the people I coach when they are struggling with another person—especially an exasperating subordinate.
The premise is that when someone exasperates you, it is because you can’t figure out how to work with the person… you haven’t found what makes the person tick. Instead of taking what you intend to be positive feedback as positive—and negative feedback and negative—the person either seems oblivious to what you want, or seems to take pleasure from ignoring you.
By the time I’m involved, battle lines are usually drawn. The first thing I need to do dismantle them… mentally at least. Here’s the exercise I use to do it:
On a blank sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, from top to bottom. Put the person’s name at the top, right in the middle, straddling the line. Put a plus sign at the top of the left column and a minus sign atop the right column. Now fill both columns, top to bottom, with positives (on the left side) and negatives (on the right side). If you’re using a normal sheet of lined paper, that translates into about 25 positive statements and 25 negative statements. You don’t need to finish in one sitting, but you do need to get to the bottom of the page in both columns, and each line needs to be unique. (Sorry, “Rude to me / Rude to others on the team” are the same thing: “Can be rude to others.” That’s ONE.)
This simple little exercise is deceptively difficult, because it forces you to see a balanced individual… but when you find someone exasperating, you usually are a little emotional and no longer see both pros and cons.
If you survive this exercise, the follow up is to write—on a fresh sheet of paper—everything you see about the person. To simplify this daunting task a little, you may want to create boxes on the page and put the name of a category in each box: appearances, social style, relationship with subordinates, relationship with authority, problem solving style, behavior under pressure, day-to-day behaviors, approach to work generally, personality, and so on. The categories I use are conceptual problem solving, factual problem solving, disposition, approach to work/relationship with authority, interpersonal skills, managerial style/ability. (Within these categories, among other things, I make sure to hit on: ability to handle ambiguity, 1st impressions, use of power vs. influence, passion, emotional impact, and comfort solving abstract problems.)
The path to a better working relationship is out there, somewhere. But until you can see the person objectively and completely—that is, until you are no longer filtering everything about the individual through the lens of your own exasperation, which by the way, you won’t think you’re doing even when you are— the path will likely remain elusive. To see the person objectively, start with the exercises above… and if you need help, get help. These exercises are a lot more difficult than they seem.
Good luck!
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This article couldn’t be more right on…especially at this time of year when we’re being asked to think back, plan ahead and evaluate – all during the most stressful time of the year. Cleansing the mind palate and applying business sense and a process forces us to step back to generate constructive and documented feedback. Thanks for the timely piece!
It’s indeed a good way to change the perception on a exasperating person. However the other thing worked surprisingly too. It’s more or less described in Jason’s “Say nothing” article. It’s enough to just be with this person to see the pros and cros and start really working together.
Great ideas Jason. I really like the idea of taking away the passion and personal hurt out of dealing with an exasperating employee. I’ve also found that listening is a skill that leaders can use with difficult employees. Oftentimes people behave negatively because they can. They depend on people not knowing why they behave the way they do to keep the behavior going. Once we defuse the behavior by listening to the person’s story then they have to find other ways of behaving. It’s almost like you give them permission to behave well rather than negatively.