A: Ha! Trick title. People who don’t like you don’t work with you. They tolerate you.
Out of a lack of options.
Until a better option comes along.
In fact, the only thing that keeps them engaged with you is the fact that—while unlikable—you’re at least predictable, and they’ve figured out how to get what they need from the relationship… more or less. Eventually, they’ll give you the boot. And the more self-confident they are, the sooner that boot will come.
You know why?
Because they don’t like you, Silly!
Beware: the context in which you work affects how your unlikability will impact you:
If you are an unliked manager…
You actually may be OK, as long as your abilities are respected and the results are there. In a role of formal power, we need to distinguish between personal like, which is almost irrelevant in this case, and professional like—a.k.a. respect—which leads to loyalty, peace of mind, and, ironically, personal like. We must also distinguish respect from fear, as the two are often confused at a practical level. Fear occurs when respect for your power outlives respect for your ability to wield it responsibly, and it is unhealthy on many levels: it closes off lines of communication, it sends your best people looking for new jobs elsewhere, causes people to start “going through the motions” at work (you know how some people just won’t invest personally, won’t quit, and won’t say anything about what they need or want?).
There’s a colorful term for how people treat a boss of whom they’re afraid, which is NSFW (not safe for work). It’s a compound slang word. The first half is “grin.” Let’s just say the second part rhymes with “ducking.” Rest assured, this technique creates miscommunications galore for a boss.
If you are an unliked subordinate…
Your options are limited. You may be the world’s greatest at your job, but that’s all you’ll ever be, because once you hit the management ranks and find yourself in need of relationships with clients, peers, subs, bosses, and vendors for advancement, you’ll find yourself with nothing.
And if you’re an unliked salesperson…
You’re toast.
So how do you know if you’re liked? It really doesn’t matter what people say, and it really doesn’t matter what you think. The only thing that matters is how people act, especially in that split second after you’ve said something, before the controlled, practiced, purposeful reaction takes over. Watch for that slight hesitation before a smile, a smile that you could swear starts off like a sneer, or fidgeting of any kind that doesn’t precede interactions with others. (You’re not dumb. You know when someone doesn’t like you. You’ve known how to pick up that vibe since junior high. Trust yourself. If you need help, read Paul Ekman’s research on micro-expressions.)
Here’s a three question likability quiz:
- Do I take genuine interest in others, or are people a means to achieving personal goals?
- Do I enjoy helping others, or are they lucky enough to know me?
- Do you live in a good world, or a brutish world in which it’s kill or be killed?
How do you get liked? Work on your world view (until you find you take a genuine interest in the people around you, enjoy helping them, and see the world as filled with more good than bad… I’ll even cut you some slack, and say you really only need to be deep in two or maybe even just one of these areas). Regardless of how smooth you think you are, the way you see the world will reflect outward. Like you, people aren’t stupid. They may not call you out on bad behavior, they may excuse it for you, they may lack the self-confidence to stand up to it, or they may not care about it, but they see it.
And eventually, they’ll have seen enough.
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My Boss used to like me but over the past 6 months has stopped speaking to me altogether except to correct and scold me in front of other people at work. Even though she has time to visit for hours at a time with another co-worker and then have lunch with them, She will not give me the time of day. I have e-mailed her and asked for suggestions on how to improve. she tells me that my performance is not lacking but that I should ask for help…from the very people who are NOT speaking to me. In the past when I have asked for help, these people try to “show me up” and always make sure that everyone in the Department knows that THEY had to once again “Rescue” me. Other than just quit, what else should I do to improve this situation?? Sadly enough I really like the people I supervise. They also like me. But as long as this person is my boss it will never matter how perfect I am or how good I make her look. She will never again like me or anything else about me.
Chris—Tough spot, great question. First, read this article on Leader-Member Exchange Theory, the upshot of which is: your situation is not unique.
Second, don’t throw in the towel. Avoid words like “never” or “perfect.” Obviously, what you think is perfect she does not think is perfect. That’s like a painter complaining, “No matter how bright I make this red paint, that blind person won’t see it!” Duh. Stop projecting. I’m not saying that there definitely is a way out, but as long as you hold that defeated perspective, I’m saying that there definitely isn’t.
Third, the effectiveness of a request for help is all in how it’s made. Something about your approach is turning people off… so you need to brainstorm alternatives. E.g., instead of asking, “What could I be doing better?” ask, “Hey, is there anything I’m doing right?” or, “In your perfect world, I come into your office and say _________ what?” Or, “Somehow, I became a burden to this team, and I missed when it happened. It’s embarrassing.” (With this one, pause and see what comes back. If it’s harsh, you may have a real issue. If it’s soft, you have an opportunity. If it’s in the middle, keep pressing forward.)
Good luck!
Be patient. Trust takes time and consistency. Also do you like your boss as a person? If not, then it’ll show in your face and your work. But if you like her, then you need to show it. If it’s true, compliment her when talking to people and somehow it’ll get back to her. Hard to hate someone who likes you.
Thomas
Jason, I actually crashed and burned in this exact situation last year — minus the subs. Though I tried everything I could think of at the time (including the what-did-i-do-what-can-i-do talks), I really wish I had discovered your blog before it came to a head.