Q: “I get very little feedback at work… how can I ask for more?”

A: First of all, let me say that feedback is critical to the growth process, so the very fact that you’re asking for it is great. (While you can exist without feedback, but you can’t grow, and without growth, you’re just biding your time until you have no more time to bide. Truly, what’s the point of that?)

Getting feedback in an environment that is light on giving it can be a bit tricky. Let’s start with things you shouldn’t say.

“Can I have some feedback?”
“I know, it’s awful. Tell me it’s awful, c’mon.”
“So, did you like that presentation I did?”
“I heard someone didn’t like the report. Can you believe that? It was awesome! What did you think?”
“Hey, I just sent this out, what do you think?”

Why these don’t work:

Feedback is not like a bag of potato chips where you just stick your hand in and get some. This question will result in feedback that is not well thought out.
The only thing here that’s awful is how readily you put your lack of self-confidence on display for me to see.
Yes/no questions set up yes/no responses… and what if the answer is no? Will you be in a frame of mind to hear anything that comes after it?
Do I really want to watch you deflate in front of me when I give you my honest answer?
Isn’t the point of feedback to be able to make changes? If so, you’re asking me after the fact because…?

Better ways to solicit feedback:

“I don’t think the standard letter will work for this client. Do you think they’ll respond better or worse the way I’ve modified it, and why?”
“Will you be in the presentation? I’d love to know afterward what material I seemed most comfortable with.”
“If you were in my shoes, where would you focus?”
“Based on what you see in me, what’s the biggest job you think I could do today, if I really stretched? What do you think I’d need to work on most to get to the next job beyond that one?”
“What are your goals for yourself for the next few years? What do I need to be doing better to help you achieve them?”

These approaches provide structure and guidance to the answer without complicating the subject with your own self-assessment. By the way, if your boss seems a bit nervous about giving feedback, don’t be surprised. And if she botches it a bit, don’t be surprised by that, either. (Most of us aren’t practiced at giving feedback! How comfortable do you think most people are giving feedback?) Just stay open, ask probing questions (starting with “why?”), and keep at it until your boss settles in and starts giving you the real scoop.

Now we also need to consider one other possibility, namely that you get plenty of feedback but you just don’t hear it… your sensitivity meter is too high. I know, that’s not you. It may describe “some people” you know… quite well… but it’s not you. Like the gentleman I spoke with this week who asked me for feedback. The conversation went like this:

“Jase, let me read something to you, I’d like your feedback on it before I deliver this presentation,” said the man behind the desk.
“Shoot,” I replied.
“OK… [reads the letter]”
“It’s very well written, that’s for sure. What kind of feedback are you looking for?”
“Thank you. I’ve been re-writing this for days; I want it to be perfect.”
“Is the point of it to educate or motivate your troops?”
“To express my feelings on the subject.”
“Hmm. You might want to consider reworking the first few sentences. They’re pretty matter of fact and don’t have the emotion of the rest of the speech.”
“I did that on purpose.”
“Uh huh.”
“I need to educate them in that one area.”
“I see.”
“You disagree?”
“No, I just think it could be good to set the dominant tone with the first sentence.”
“OK, all right, I hear you.”
“Maybe you can just move those sentences down to the part where you talk about–”
“I got it, I’m good. Thanks.”

This exchange left me thinking that he hadn’t wanted my feedback after all, that he had only wanted to share what he thought was an already-perfect pitch. I felt that I had offended him. The moral of the story: be careful what you ask for… if you don’t want the feedback, if you don’t know what to do with it, or if you’re emotionally unprepared for it, don’t ask for it!

Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.