Peon_in_chief asked this question under my post about communicating with emotional impact.

The exact question is, “I understand not being overly emotional or direct with a co-worker or boss is best, but what if you really need to get something across to them, or you need a definite win? Sometimes being tough can get you the end result as opposed to really getting agressive to make your point. If you’re nice and tactful about it and your boss doesn’t take you seriously and you fail, your boss could always go back to you and say ‘you know, you really didn’t seem that upset by me not backing you on that issue.’ It’s like a lose-lose situation.”

Fantastic question. And now, a fantastic answer.

A: Peon,

Great point. Let’s break it down 3 ways.

One way to slice this is to recognize three ways to attack a situation like this: with power, rights, or interests. The emotional impact approach is a set up for an interest-based conversation, which takes time and has its risks… chief among them being that interest-based conversations tend to be played in the near-term at the lowest common denominator. This is a fancy way of saying that until you “train” the other side that you’re really about meeting mutual interests—and by interests, I mean “what people need” as opposed to “what people say they need”—you’re going to run into walls like you describe above. The only antidote for this is to start building relationships with people when there is no issue to discuss. (See my post on likability.)

But what if you didn’t do that, and now here you are, in a must win situation?

1. Power. You could go straight at the person. There are a number of forms of power, though if you’re a subordinate, formal power ain’t one of them. This means that you’re going to need to know your stuff to an extremely convincing degree, or threaten to go over the person’s head. And now hang on a sec… making an overt threat like that is only going to get you kicked in the proverbial groin, so don’t go thinking that I just advocated threatening your boss. I don’t. In this case, I’m talking about something far more subtle… like suggesting that the decision get opened up to a broader group… or talking to a peer in a different area and then mentioning as much to your boss. Both of these avenues use transparent communications to let your boss know that s/he may hear about it from other sources and therefore should “be prepared.“ Another form of power is entirely interpersonal and it goes like this: if your boss doesn’t like conflict, challenge him. If she does like to fight, stand your ground and earn your say. If she doesn’t like decisions, pre-sell your idea to a group and then go back and tell her that the team is unanimously behind it… and so on. This approach takes some huevos… but no one promised winning was nice.
2. Rights. ”The contract says.“ ”This is what’s fair.“ And so on. Using rights to force someone to see your point of view means focusing them on some objective standard. And after 19 years in various work environments, including several summers in a law office, and after 35 years of life, I can tell you: rights doesn’t work. People are not rational. Facts are meaningless until interpreted, and all interpretations are subject to the errors, omissions, quirks, and prejudices of the human mind.

Another way to slice this is purely at the interpersonal level: how can you get your point across most effectively? You have five options in this model:

1. Fight. Not with fists, but with directness and persistence. As in, ”Look, Boss, with all due respect, I’m not leaving this office until I’m convinced you fully understand me, because when you do, I think you’ll have a different course of action.“
2. Accommodate. This is what you’re currently doing. It won’t get you a win. Grow a spine.
3. Compromise. Splitting the baby is the ultimate in meh.
4. Explore. Another way of talking about looking for mutual interests. Works, but takes time and requires a relationship because you need to share information that could make you vulnerable along the way.
5. Stall. Postpone the decision by saying something like, ”Hmm… I’m thinking… that I should run a different slice of the data. Let’s regroup later today.“ Repeat as necessary until you’re feeling the flow and think you can sway the final decision.

And finally, there’s this perspective: don’t worry about it. You’re not paid to make the decision, your boss is. Let him/her make it. And if s/he screws it up, say, ”Don’t even think about blaming me for this. I sat here and told you exactly what was going to happen. So whuddya say you and I work on a communication plan that ensures you do hear the important stuff next time?“

Good luck!

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