Seiden’s 16 Rules for Giving Feedback

Two years ago, I posted my rules for giving feedback. I did this because I noticed that most people are awful at it. A year ago, I reposted them. Why? Because I had looked around and noticed that people were still awful at it.

Guess what?

As part of this week’s series on feedback, it’s time to resurrect the list. Below are sixteen time-tested techniques for delivering feedback. If you ignore them another year, I’ll simply re-post them… again… Or—crazy idea alert—follow these steps and watch your career take off like a rocket.

Your choice.

Now let’s set the scene: You have feedback to give. You picture the conversation, but every time you walk through it in your mind, it goes… wrong: you’re too nice. too mean. too intense. too distracted. too worried. Whatever.

You’ve read the conventional wisdom on how to give feedback, but as good as it sounds, you know that if conventional wisdom were right, performance reviews wouldn’t be so notoriously useless, and you wouldn’t constantly face the problem of feedback only sticking for a short while.

A few of these rules that follow fly in the face of what is taught by the “experts.”

Which is why I know they’ll work work a charm.

Without further ado,

Seiden’s Rules for Giving Feedback

1. Give the feedback. Do what you need to do. Not stepping up is an automatic fail. And if you step up? You still might fail, but at least you’ll be on a path to get it right. Eventually.

2. Do not start a negative conversation with positive feedback. (Yeah, you read that right.) Hiding tough news behind good news implies that whoever you’re talking to is a delicate flower who will wilt if you don’t couch your tough news in a cushion of false nicety. Wonderful. Now you’re patronizing, and you haven’t even given the feedback yet. No wonder no one listens to you.

3. Do not start a negative conversation with positive feedback. (Yeah, you re-read that right.) Preceding bad news with good trains others to expect bad news to follow good news. Congratulations, you just eliminated your ability to deliver positive feedback: break out the effusive praise, and watch people start stressing as they wait for the other shoe to drop.

4. Speak sincerely. Don’t say, “I don’t care who’s to blame” unless you mean it. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it. I’ve given a lot of people a lot of feedback, I’ve watched people give each other feedback in team settings, and one thing I can say is, our BS-o-meters are darn good. Insincerity only begets a game in which people try to guess your real motives.

5. Look ‘em in the eye and use the words “you” and “me” and “I.” As in, “I’m struggling with you right now,” or, “I get the sense that you would rather…” Don’t talk about what others say, or what you’ve heard. Don’t say, “I hear from others that you’re a pain in the butt.” Give feedback as if you two are the only ones in the world, and involve yourself.

6. Ignore behavior that should be ignored. Not everything that can be addressed should be.

7. Avoid extremes. Stay away from words like always, never, most, least, severe, incredible, unconscionable, unacceptable, total, complete, utter, maddening, crippling, devastating, terrible, sucky, horrible, God-awful, crappy, deplorable, and anything that ends in -est. Dave didn’t look in the morning and think, “I’m looking at the most obnoxious person in the office!” So when you tell Dave that he’s the most obnoxious person in the office, his reaction is to show you why you’re wrong rather than listen to you.

8. If things go weird, it’s the feedback-giver’s fault. Don’t assume that you can hide your emotional state from the feedback-ee. Seriously, you’re not that clever. And most of the problems you have in a feedback session are due to someone’s reaction to an emotional undercurrent—as opposed to the actual feedback. Now, are some people you’re going to talk to incorrigible and in it for a fight no matter how genuinely nice you’re being? Yes. Is it still your fault if you are dealing with one of them when things go bad? Yes. You should be smart enough to avoid engaging incorrigible people.

9. Feedback and catharsis are two different things. The purpose of feedback is to improve things in the future. Venting is the release of emotions left over from what happened in the past. Venting is very different from, serves a different purpose than, and elicits a different response as, feedback.

10. Match the environment to the severity of the feedback. Not every crime is a capital offense. Not every conversation merits a trip to the “principal’s office.” Take advantage of the hallway fly-by for less important feedback.

11. Anticipate resistance. Have you ever received tough feedback? How did you feel? You don’t need to guess what the recipient is thinking, you’ve been there. They’ll be hurt, and maybe a little angry, so don’t plan on moving straight from “You’re on probation” to “Hey, how are the kids?” Build in some time—like, a day—for others to work through emotional residue. And don’t buy it when they say, “I’m OK, let’s keep going” during a feedback conversation. They’re not OK, you’re not OK, the situation’s not OK. Don’t pretend it’s OK. This isn’t like running into a casual acquaintance on the subway; you work with this person. Respect the space.

12. Give positive feedback in the moment and use specific examples. Positively received behaviors will continue, so be very specific about what you are “rewarding” with your feedback.

13. Give negative feedback in terms of trends rather than specifics, unless you happen to catch someone red-handed. Negative feedback tends to get explained away, so bringing up specifics often turns into a debate: “Oh, I only did that because Rob was baiting me.” “I know I did it that time, but I’m not usually like that.” Avoid this pointless fight. Your recipient will get mighty frustrated by your refusal to engage in specifics, but they’ll also keep thinking about what you’ve said long after the conversation ends… which is precisely what you want.

14. Take your time. Don’t insist that your full message get delivered and received in one sitting. Especially when emotions run high, this is probably impossible anyway. Give the other side time to digest what you’ve said and come back to you. Don’t deliver more than 2 negative messages per encounter. Got more to say? Stretch it out over multiple conversations rather than hand someone a huge list of reasons why you think they suck.

15. Give the feedback-ee a path to goodness. Telling Becky she’s bad at her job without showing her how to get better is petty and mean. Show her what she needs to do better, get her the tools, or fire her. Otherwise, you’re wasting everyone’s time.

16. Follow up. If it was important enough to point out once, it’s important enough to follow up on. When you see Rachel making an effort to improve, take notice.

Now, go out there, and get this feedback thing right!

Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.