I had lunch the other day with someone who told me she was sometimes appalled by how people need to be reminded of such basic skills such as how to be polite.
Frankly, I don’t know why she was appalled. It’s not like any of us elitists are any more perfect than the masses—we’re just more polished, which means our mistakes are more nuanced.
Sometimes.
The way I see it, people know exactly what they’re supposed to do. Sit ‘em down in a room and ask 100 people what they should/shouldn’t do in a particular setting, and nearly all of them will agree on what the best course of action. And if they don’t all agree, they’ll split into 2, maybe 3 camps. Tops.
But.
We humans have these things called emotions, and our emotions, like a wall of flames, separate us from our intellect when engaged. It’s because of emotion that you can know in your heart of hearts that you should keep your mouth shut… and yet get up and yell and scream and call someone every name in the book anyway.
Emotion is why you stay in a relationship you know is bad for you. Or take a risk you know is stupid.
So to me, I don’t think it’s appalling that people need “remedial” soft-skills training. In fact, I think soft-skills training is critically important at every level. Done right, it delivers two benefits:
- It shows people the best way to handle situations we haven’t seen before, and
- It gives people triggers that help them recognize when emotion is taking over so they can stop it.
But to call this training need “appalling?” That’s just emotion talking… and not a particularly nice one.
Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.
I'm the CEO of Ajax Social Media. We're helping 1 million people shine by making their online stories better. 
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Jason,
I would add that often, we must go beyond “soft skills training” and practice soft skills until they become a habit. This is the only way many will learn (myself included!). People know what they need to do – they just don’t do it because they are in the tyranny of the moment (okay, so mindfulness helps too).
Mary Jo—No doubt. Putting the emotional trigger in place is just step 1… step 2 is: repeat step 1 until the trigger fires without conscious thought. Which usually happens after, what, about 5 years or so?
While I can’t disagree with what you have written Jason, I can’t help but think how sad this is. What happened to our proper training growing up and why on earth do we need to have “soft skills” training as adults in the workplace? I don’t see us having to have “potty training” as part of our leadership development. Or do we? I will remain appalled when men decide to pee against a wall practically in public or when anyone uses “trucker language” in everyday business meetings. Worse, I actually don’t think that many of the individuals who “do this” actually think it is inappropriate. I can’t tell you how many times someone (regardless of age) has told me “Hey this is how we do things now.” And no, I don’t think this is snobbery on my part.
My emotions often get the better of me – more than I care to admit. However, that is no excuse or bad behaviour. The difference is that I know when I have stepped over the line. I know how to apologize and I (usually) have the character to do so.
And MJ, as I do know you, I would say it is less about “practicing” and more about being a person of consciousness and consideration. The fact that you have general practices for good living only enhances who you are.
Soft skills training is invaluable. Cultural differences aside, training in politeness indicates to me that we have failed somewhere, many years before. Playing catch-up in someway brings focus to something that simply should not be acceptable. Let’s stop making excuses for our “bad” behaviour or the “bad” behaviour of others.
Great insights Jason. People really benefit when they learn that emotions are normal and that they have a great deal of control over how they use them. Soft skills training really is just a way to show people how to behave in ways that lead in positive directions instead of driving each other crazy at work. You’re right, most people know what to do intellectually, they just haven’t had the chance to practice it in the workplace when an actual emotion comes up.
@Guy—The furthest distance known to man runs from the head to the heart. But the shortest distance? From the heart to the head!