How do some people always seem to know how to take control of a conversation? The answer is so obvious, it may surprise you: by going beyond what people say and paying attention to how they say it.
For instance, below are two common behaviors you might see in a conversation, including an overview of the impact of each, and what you should do that would be better. (For the rest of this series, see the links at the bottom of the page.)
#1
WHAT YOU SEE
A guy you are already friends with is nervous during the conversation’s opening small talk.
WHAT IT TELLS YOU
His discomfort during the “Hi, how are ya” part of the conversation tells you that he’s feeling awkward. He’s likely about to ask you for something.
HOW YOU USE IT
Your next line: “Something’s on your mind. What’s up.” Suddenly, you’re shepherding your friend through the conversation, alleviating the emotional burden s/he feels. Very subtly, you’ve taken control of this conversation. He probably doesn’t even realize what’s happening.
HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
Get right to the point. Don’t give others a chance to anticipate where you’re going.
#2
WHAT YOU SEE
Your boss leaves you a voice mail and a text telling you about the meeting request she sent via email.
WHAT IT TELLS YOU
If she is already trying this hard to control the conversation, then chances are, she has a script for when you meet. And since people don’t generally use scripts to deliver good news…
HOW YOU USE IT
Call your boss right now. “This seems pretty important; let’s not wait. What’s going on?” You’ve erased her advantage, and she is swimming in that sea of uncomfortable right along with you. It doesn’t solve your problem, but it does level the playing field in a way.
HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
Think about whether or not you want to signal how important that next meeting is. Only send multiple reminders if you want someone else to lose sleep wondering if he’s about to get fired.
Many people don’t realize that to the attentive listener, the decisions people make about how to communicate—for example, the words they use, the tone they take, the pauses they make before talking—all tell a story. Since actions speak louder than words, the story these decisions tell is often a more accurate indicator of what the speaker really means than the spoken word. (Not always, but often.) Pay attention to these subtle clues and you too will be able to take control of your conversations!
Jump to…
Tip #s 1 & 2 – You are here!
Tip #s 3 & 4
Tip #s 5 & 6
Tip #s 7 & 8
Tip #s 9 & 10 (Coming Feb 10.)
Jason Seiden is Co-founder and CEO of Ajax Social Media, a training company that shows professionals how use social media to work more effectively.
I'm the CEO of Ajax Social Media. We're helping 1 million people shine by making their online stories better. 
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I’m not calling you. Ever. ha ha
@Trish—Direct and to the point. Nice. Wait… what?!
I think you’ve used these conversation tactics on me before. It’s ok though, I don’t mind b/c the end result is that I get to talk with you whether I’m leading the convo or you are. Seriously, great post and good tips for people to think about when they talk to their boss, a colleague, professor, etc.
I for SURE have used these tactics on you. I use them on everyone. I am a conversational Jedi, didn’t you know? But I am committed to using the Force only for good, and I believe strongly that people should pay more attention to this type of stuff, because—even if they don’t master the concepts—at least they lessen the chances that someone will use semantics to control them.
And while it’s a bit sad to watch my own power base erode, I find the sacrifice a small price to pay to get others out from under the thumbs of political operatives who DO use semantic power for darker purposes.