How do some people always seem to know how to take control of a conversation? The answer is so obvious, it may surprise you: by going beyond what people say and paying attention to how they say it.
For instance, below are two common behaviors you might see in a conversation, including an overview of the impact of each, and what you should do that would be better. (For the rest of this series, see the links at the bottom of the page.)
#5
WHAT YOU SEE
A person starts a conversation by asking you a bunch of, “So you agree that this is true, right?” questions.
WHAT IT TELLS YOU
You’re being led to a conclusion. This person on the phone wants to sell you on an idea. This is going to cost you money.
HOW YOU USE IT
Look at the person—what s/he does, the quality of his/her work, who his/her boss is, what your relationship is… and his/her gender, age, personal interests, education, etc.—and take a walk in his or her shoes. Ask yourself, “What do I have that this person needs?” Think critically about the request being made. Mentally prepare to say “No.”
HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
Make the request up front, without a long lead-in. If you don’t get the answer you want, ask why. Better to save your questions and use them to challenge my thinking than to waste them all upfront.
#6
WHAT YOU SEE
A subordinate or consultant puts a thick presentation in front of you and asks you not to read ahead.
WHAT IT TELLS YOU
Someone thinks you’re an idiot who will jump to conclusions unless you are fed brilliant information in tiny spoonfuls.
HOW YOU USE IT
You skip to the conclusions and start asking questions that matter to you. You know a lot from the fact that conclusion is buried, including this: left to his own devices, the presenter chose to display his analytic skills rather than his decision-making skills. This is not an executive thinker you’re dealing with. This is someone who would prefer to talk about decisions than make them. You reassign the project to a doer.
HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
When presenting, create a three page deck with the premise, the question, and the conclusion (with key numbers) up front… and then build a big, fat appendix with all all your supporting detail that may or may be needed.
Many people don’t realize that to the attentive listener, the decisions people make about how to communicate—for example, the words they use, the tone they take, the pauses they make before talking—all tell a story. Since actions speak louder than words, the story these decisions tell is often a more accurate indicator of what the speaker really means than the spoken word. (Not always, but often.) Pay attention to these subtle clues and you too will be able to take control of your conversations!
Jump to…
Tip #s 1 & 2
Tip #s 3 & 4
Tip #s 5 & 6 You are here!
Tip #s 7 & 8
Tip #s 9 & 10 (Coming Feb 10.)
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