How do some people always seem to know how to take control of a conversation? The answer is so obvious, it may surprise you: by going beyond what people say and paying attention to how they say it.
For instance, below are two common behaviors you might see in a conversation, including an overview of the impact of each, and what you should do that would be better. (For the rest of this series, see the links at the bottom of the page.)
#9
WHAT YOU SEE
After giving critical feedback about a behavioral trend to someone, he responds, “Why won’t you give me an example?” over and over again.
WHAT IT TELLS YOU
The person isn’t listening. He would rather explain away specific examples than take what you’re saying to heart. This is typical after receiving critical feedback; it’s the ego wanting to protect itself.
HOW YOU USE IT
Unless you can point to a specific event that just happened a moment ago, hold your ground and don’t provide an example. It will only lead to a he-said-she-said argument about your interpretation of the event. Instead, end the conversation. Let the person stew for a bit; it’s OK. If things don’t click after a few days, try again by asking, “Have you had a chance to think about what I said the other day?”
HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
When you receive feedback and start to feel defensive, say, “This doesn’t feel right, but I trust you’re not making it up, so… would you mind if I sit with this for a few days and follow up with you later this week?” Then do that, after the wave of defensiveness has passed.
#10
WHAT YOU SEE
A direct report sends you formal status updates and meeting requests after you gave him your cell number and specifically told him to reach out right away any time he has a question.
WHAT IT TELLS YOU
You intimidate this person.
HOW YOU USE IT
Watch to see if he gets more comfortable in time. If he doesn’t, remove this guy from your promotables list, no matter how good his work is. He simply won’t cut it at a managerial or executive level.
HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
Take a person up on an offer to call, even if it’s the chairman of the company!
Many people don’t realize that to the attentive listener, the decisions people make about how to communicate—for example, the words they use, the tone they take, the pauses they make before talking—all tell a story. Since actions speak louder than words, the story these decisions tell is often a more accurate indicator of what the speaker really means than the spoken word. (Not always, but often.) Pay attention to these subtle clues and you too will be able to take control of your conversations!
Jump to…
Tip #s 1 & 2
Tip #s 3 & 4
Tip #s 5 & 6
Tip #s 7 & 8
Tip #s 9 & 10 You are here!
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Hello Jason,
I am still here. I read through all the tips and they may perfect sense. Very good thoughts.
Let me know if your schedule has loosened up a bit. I am still very interested in sitting down with you.
Bill DeCero