Conversational Awareness Made Simple

How do some people always seem to know how to take control of a conversation? The answer is so obvious, it may surprise you: by going beyond what people say and paying attention to how they say it.

For instance, below are two common behaviors you might see in a conversation, including an overview of the impact of each, and what you should do that would be better. (For the rest of this series, see the links at the bottom of the page.)

#3
WHAT YOU SEE
Your coworker marches right up to you with her jaw set.

WHAT IT TELLS YOU
He’s angry and ready to fight.

HOW YOU USE IT
Go Zen and ignore the person’s anger. Take a breath. Pretend there is no emotional charge to the communication. Visualize his anger flying past you, over your shoulder. Say plaintively, “You seem upset.” If he responds, “I’m not upset,” call attention to his expression and repeat the statement. Then wait. Since he’s feeling emotional, it won’t be long before he starts blabbing. Then you’ll know what’s on his mind, as well as what’s in your heart, before saying anything. You have the power.

HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
Don’t let yourself get so worked up—it wrecks your ability to listen. Relax; go see a movie or something.

#4
WHAT YOU SEE
A friend talks in absolutes, saying things like, “It’s always a problem every time my boss makes a request because she never gives me enough information.”

WHAT IT TELLS YOU
This is a black-and-white thinker you’re talking to. That’s a problem because effective strategic thinking requires people to see gray areas, too.

HOW YOU USE IT
You ask, “Has your boss ever given you enough information?” If your friend says yes, then say nothing—just wait—the person will talk themselves down without any further help from you. If the friend says no, then you know the person is being unreasonable. Let the comment go and don’t respond any further. This is not a person who is interested in intelligent conversation; this is a person who wants to vent.

HOW YOU CAN AVOID THE TRAP YOURSELF
Use more hesitant language, like “usually,” “often,” and “rarely” as opposed to more absolute or extreme language. This signals maturity. (Absolute language can be used on occasion to effectively to signal sarcasm, irony, or wit, but if you use it day-to-day, then you lose the ability to be funny with it.)

Many people don’t realize that to the attentive listener, the decisions people make about how to communicate—for example, the words they use, the tone they take, the pauses they make before talking—all tell a story. Since actions speak louder than words, the story these decisions tell is often a more accurate indicator of what the speaker really means than the spoken word. (Not always, but often.) Pay attention to these subtle clues and you too will be able to take control of your conversations!

Jump to…
Tip #s 1 & 2 – You are here!
Tip #s 3 & 4
Tip #s 5 & 6
Tip #s 7 & 8
Tip #s 9 & 10 (Coming Feb 10.)