Using Email (Alpha Style)

People often want me to ~~help them master the art of writing perfect emails~~ listen to their stories about how other people send awful emails.

Here’s a quick overview of some pretty bad (yet common) emails, including the impact the email has, a better alternative, and the impact the alternative would have:

What I receive: “3 O’CLOCK MEANS 3 O’CLOCK WHAT DON’T YOU UNDERSTNAD”
What I think: I understand that you are a jerk. I understand that you are not in control of your emotions. I understand you expect me to be perfect, yet tolerate errors from yourself; I understand you are a hypocrite.
What I do: Start dragging my feet anytime you’re not watching me like a hawk. Send out my resume.
What I would respond better to: A phone call in which you say, “I really took it on the chin when you missed the 3pm deadline. If there was a good reason for it, let me know. If not, tell me how I can help you keep to deadlines moving forward. I’m in some hot water here and I really shouldn’t be… so can I help you stay on schedule?”
What I would think about this alternative: I understand I caused a problem. I understand that you suffered some consequence for my action. I understand that you’re not going to sell me down the river—yet—you are giving me a chance to work this out between us. I also understand that you might not cover for me again, even though that’s unstated. You’re someone I can do business with.

What I get: “Send me the file on the Seattle matter.”
What I think: Bite me.
What I do: Nothing, you can wait while go get lunch, do my other work, send some Twitter updates, make plans for the weekend, and get a haircut. Maybe I send a belated note with no attachment that reads, “Sorry, was in meetings all day. I’ll try to get this for you tomorrow.” Maybe I send that note tomorrow.
What I’d respond better to: “How was the wedding? And do you have the Seattle file? Not sure where they are and I need ‘em fast—client meeting Fri. Thanks.
What I’d think about the alternative: Thank you for remembering that I am a complete person and not just a clock puncher. Thank you for asking nicely. Thank you for letting me pretend to be helping you when we both know I got lazy and never put the file away where it belonged. I’ll send you the file.

What I get: “come dpwnstrs now”
What I think: Your note is so offensive, I have to assume you’re typing while driving. There is no other excuse.
What I do: I’m on my way. But if it turns out you sent that note from your computer, or while you were just standing around and could have taken two more seconds to add a pls or thx, we’re not friends anymore. At all.

Then, there is the alpha email… oh, you’re not familiar with that one? Here’s an in-depth tutorial: